I'm not that girl
by CommonKnowledge
Summary: Not all love stories have happy endings, not all love stories even have endings at all...RaiKim read author's note
1. How

So yeah, for some reason I'm feeling particularly angsty. I don't know what it is but I'm thinking about my past a lot for some reason, well as much of a past as I can have. I'm really thinking hard about the past four years for some reason though and a certain person in particular. Why have I decided to share this story with the world? I don't really know; maybe I'm looking for some closure, I don't know. I don't think there is much closure to be had in a situation like this, and I'm hopeful that the story isn't over yet.

Confused yet? I wouldn't be surprised if you were but hopefully after you read it will start to make sense.

This story is based off of true events in my life. I've tried to follow all of the events as accurately as my mind remembers them. Certain assumptions must be made because clearly I can't know what another person was thinking or feeling. Therefore the story is totally in Kimiko's POV since she is the character representing my role in the story. Certain OC's have been made to fill in gaps that Xiaolin Showdown had no character to fill in and some characters might seem OOC but that's because I've taken certain liberties. Names and Places have been changed mostly for my protection. I highly doubt anyone I know that was involved with this story will ever read it but its nice to have a backup incase.

Also, I didn't even make the connection until after I'd finished writing the majority of the story, I used the name Ashley as an OC. This is not the Katnappe Ashley. At one time I toyed with the idea but my conscious wouldn't let me do it. In fact, the only Xiaolin Characters that show up are Kimiko, Raimundo, Jack, Clay, and Keiko. Not much of a Xiaolin Showdown story- oops. Oh well.

That said please read, I'm not asking you to enjoy. I'm mainly doing this to elevate some of the things I've been holding inside for a long time.

(**xxxxxxxxx-**changes the story from the present to the past and vice versa)

(xxxxxxxxx- changes scenes/times while retelling the past)

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"_I didn't come this far, for you to make this hard for me _

_And now you wanna ask me 'how'? _

_Its like- how does your heart beat? Why do you breathe?_

_Why did you come here? You weren't invited_

_You were on the outside, stay on the outside_

_And now you want to ask me 'why'?_

_Its like-how does your heart beat?_

_And how do you cry?_

_How does your heart beat?_

_And there are some things that I'd like to figure out_

_There are some things that I can do with_

_Like you and your letters that go on forever_

_You and the people that were never friends, never friends_

_With all the things that you could be_

_You never could learn how to be me_

_And now you want to ask me how…"_

_-Lisa Lobe 'How'_

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"Hey," Keiko asked and Kimiko looked up from her book.

"What?" she asked curious as to what her friend wanted.

"You sure you're going to be ok by yourself?" Keiko asked for what felt to be the millionth time and Kimiko smiled.

"Positive," Kimiko answered confidently. "I've got plans for the whole weekend so you don't need to feel bad about leaving."

"I could just kill my boss," Keiko went on looking upset. "The only reason he picked me is because I'm the new girl."

"All the more reason for you to go without complaint to prove that you can take anything they throw at you," Kimiko said with a nod of her head.

"I'm just pissed that they had to pull this power play the while you're here," Keiko muttered and Kimiko gave a sympathetic nod. She didn't like that Keiko had to leave for one of the weekends Kimiko was visiting but it couldn't be helped and Kimiko told her so. "But still," Keiko went on.  
"Enough," Kimiko said firmly. "It's really ok."

"I just hate for you to be alone this weekend," Keiko answered and the way she said 'this' made Kimiko wince inwardly. She was doing her best to keep her mind off of that.

"Its all good," Kimiko tried to assure her best friend of the past four years. The two had been roommates in their freshman year of college and had remained impossibly close since then. Keiko had become a resident assistant from there sophomore year on so the two hadn't been able to be roommates again but that hadn't stopped a close friendship from blooming. After their graduation nearly three months ago Keiko had moved to the city that Kimiko had called home for nearly all of her life. However Kimiko's family had moved the year before and Kimiko's graduate studies were taking her out to Phoenix starting in the end of August, only a short four weeks away. Kimiko's visit to Keiko and her childhood home had been planned since graduation but Keiko's boss had sprung the business trip last week and there was no way for Keiko to get out of it.

"I promise," Kimiko repeated when Keiko looked at her doubtfully. "It'll be good, I'm going to meet up with some people from high school so it's really alright. And you're leaving me your car so I can get around easily. You really don't need to worry."

"That doesn't stop my guilt," Keiko said twisting her lips together.

"I can't help you with that," Kimiko smiled and shook her head. There was a honk outside that caught both girls' attention.

"I guess that's my ride," Keiko said glumly. She was the youngest and only girl on the trip and Kimiko knew that was making her somewhat uncomfortable.

"Go whip those boys into shape," Kimiko said with a wink as the two moved to the door. "And kick ass at that conference." The two hugged before opening the door and walking out onto the open air walkway of Keiko's second floor apartment. Over the railing the company car was waiting to take Keiko to the airport and Keiko gave a heavy sigh.

"I guess I'll see you on Monday evening?" Keiko asked.

"I'll be waiting at the gate," Kimiko promised and the two hugged again, only to be interrupted by another honk. Keiko groaned and rolled her eyes.

"Monday can't come fast enough," she muttered turning away and walking down the stairs. Kimiko waited, watching over the railing as one of her colleagues took her bag and Keiko climbed into the car, pausing for one last wave at Kimiko. Kimiko waved back and watched Keiko drive out of sight, only then did she let out a heavy sigh. It thoroughly sucked that Keiko was gone. Kimiko wasn't sure if it was coincidental or her subconscious protecting her but somehow her trip overlapped with _that_ weekend, the one she'd been trying to keep from her mind since she first heard the date had been moved up. Kimiko allowed herself to be lost in the noises of the night, cicadas buzzing insistently, frogs croaking loudly in the hunt for food or a mate, and drone of air conditioners trying to fight off the early August heat. Sighing again Kimiko walked back into Keiko's cozy little apartment and locked the door tight behind her.

She'd been lying to Keiko. There were very few people left from high school that she actually talked to and most of them had moved on to bigger and better things. There were a few people from college in the area that she could talk to but at the moment being alone with her book, and maybe a pile of junk food, sounded like the best option. If she kept her mind moving than it wouldn't wander to places that Kimiko desperately didn't want to go. After raiding Keiko's cupboards Kimiko settled on a can of soda and bag of microwave popcorn. No need to dive too deeply into pity food, not yet at least. Rubbing her temples after setting the microwave Kimiko couldn't help another sigh.

'I'm doing that a lot,' she thought to herself. 'But with good reason,' she tried to validate. As she traced the lines of the tile countertop Kimiko gave up the fight and thought about _him._ It wasn't a hard leap, he was always somewhere in the back of her subconscious, often appearing unwillingly into various random scenarios and dreams. As early as just last night she'd dreamed of him and as always she'd woken up with a mix of comfort and longing. It wasn't fair that he still had such power over her after all these years.

It had started nearly five years ago, just a month or so to go, until it was five years to the day that they had met. Honestly she couldn't remember the exact day but she would never forget the moment as long as she lived.

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Being an only child had made the shift to college hard for Kimiko. She'd been looking forward to college for a long time but now that she was there she was feeling the painful pull of homesickness and the guilt that her mother and father were returning to an empty house. Somehow managing to score the best room on the floor in the most desired freshman building on the tiny campus had distracted her somewhat. Also, getting what was in Kimiko's opinion the best roommate ever, didn't hurt either. Upon her arrival at her tiny private liberal arts college Kimiko had been shocked to find out she was in a co-ed dorm, her top floor was the only girls' floor in the building. She didn't find out until later in the year how lucky she was since she hadn't requested it but had made it in over other people who had it as their top choice. She'd also ended up with an excellent room. Originally set up for three people, the room was larger than the traditional two person room but stuffed tight with enough furniture for three people. Neither Keiko nor Kimiko, who had communicated over the summer through emails and phone calls, had known about the supposed third roommate and to their immense relief the phantom girl never materialized leaving them with what her new friends sarcastically referred to as 'the triple'.

It had become a central meeting point for her new friends and even though classes hadn't started yet, the one week orientation had introduced her to a wide range of people. She'd already become surprisingly close to Keiko and many other girls on the floor but also with many of the boys who shared the dorm. Two in particular stuck out in her mind and had frequented her room many times already.

She met Jack Spicer originally in summer registration, a three day event hosted by the college and was more of a 'pre-orientation' than anything else; letting students mingle, meet with their advisors, and chose classes. Jack had been ahead of her in line at the start of orientation/moving in while she waited to receive her key. She'd barely remembered him but Jack remembered her and had taken to sticking close to her and many of her friends whenever possible. It was fine by Kimiko, she liked Jack despite his somewhat odd behaviors, and it didn't bother her that he probably spent more time in her and Keiko's room than his own. Kimiko had met Josh Turner through Jack and she'd immediately like the gentleman qualities of Josh. Josh was often around as well and Kimiko suspected that he might have some sort of crush on Keiko and that was why he spent so much time with them.

It was the final Saturday of summer, the last one before classes began on Monday, and the freshman were free of all orientation activities and duties as soon as the picnic lunch had ended nearly an hour before. Orientation had been exhausting, the aim of the school to keep their minds and bodies going nonstop so homesickness didn't have a chance to settle in. It had worked for the most part and Kimiko had been tired enough to pass up a trip to the mall that many of her friends, Jack and Keiko included, were going on. Instead Kimiko was determined to finally start and finish up the essay that had been assigned over the summer for the required freshman writing class. Kimiko was certain she didn't need the class but was made to comply with it anyway. Most had finished the essay over the summer but Kimiko had been hard pressed to make herself write the three page drabble about Tom Sawyer. Now with the deadline bearing down on her she'd changed her tune and was finishing the essay when a knock on her opened door caught her attention.

Looking up from her desk stuck in the corner Kimiko smiled when her eyes saw the always identifiable hulk that was Josh Turner but her attention was immediately drawn to the boy next to him and Kimiko's heart gave an uncomfortable flutter that ricocheted from the roots of her hair down to her toes making them curl over her sandals.

"Hey Josh," Kimiko managed to make herself say as she stood and tried not to stare at the boy standing in her doorway with Josh. She'd seen him before, at a distance, it was impossible not to recognize people after being immersed with them for a week, but the boy was only identifiable to her as 'the kid on crutches' though they were missing from him now. Brown hair was pushed carelessly from his face and created a small 'spiked' effect that Kimiko couldn't tell if it was practiced or natural. Impossibly green eyes stood out on a flawless tanned face and there was a small polite smile on his face as he stared back at her.

"Hey Kimiko," Josh responded and brought her attention back to the first boy. "Have you seen Jack?" Josh asked and Kimiko gave a small shake of her head as she walked closer to the door.

"Not in a couple of hours," she explained. "He went to the mall with Keiko and some other people. Some of the other girls already came back, they said Jack and Keiko had too but I haven't seen them." It was becoming hard to keep her eyes off of the mystery boy now because she felt his eyes boring into her from the left as she stood diplomatically in front of them. "Why? What's up?" Kimiko dared to ask.

"Oh, Jack's roommate was looking for him," Josh explained and Kimiko's eyes swept over to the stranger. "Sorry," Josh suddenly realized he hadn't introduced the two. "Kimiko this is Raimundo Pedrosa, he's Jack's roommate." Kimiko smiled in response and recovered quickly from her surprise when he extended a hand toward her. Taking it Kimiko expected just to return a firm handshake but it wasn't the case. Raimundo's hand held hers as they shook, their eyes locking, Raimundo's smile changing from a small polite one to a full blown grin that sent Kimiko reeling.

"Nice to meet you," Raimundo said holding her gaze and her hand for far longer than was normal or expected. "Call me Rai."

"Nice to meet you too," Kimiko managed to reply. She wasn't sure how though. His touch and his smile had her trembling inside. She'd never felt such a strong reaction from a simple touch. Her cheeks felt like they were glowing as she smiled back, her whole body seemed to tingle with nerves and her heart pounded considerably. She was sure it was noticeable but if either boy did notice they thankfully didn't say. Finally after what felt like an eternity, one that Kimiko was sad to see end, Raimundo let go of her hand and Kimiko quickly tucked it back at her side, trying to recover from the unexpected reaction still coursing through her.

"Well," Josh said breaking the trance the two had on one another as they turned their attention back to the forgotten boy, "if you see him tell him we're looking for him."

"Is everything ok?" Kimiko asked.

"Yeah, we're just looking for him," Rai answered and again Kimiko stomach rolled at the sound of his voice.

"When I see him I'll be sure to tell him you stopped by," Kimiko promised and was rewarded with another winning smile.

"Sure, see you later Kimiko," Josh said breaking in against and steered himself and Raimundo away from the door. Kimiko couldn't help but sticking her head about into the hallway as they walked away.

"Nice to meet you," she called after and Raimundo, though limping slightly turned back and chorused a response and smiled genuinely at her. Slipping back into her room Kimiko looked down at her hand and placed it over and still wildly beating heart. She had no idea what to make out of the encounter but she knew she was a goner.

Later, as the evening was beginning to roll in, Kimiko returned from dinner at the campus center to find that her roommate had finally returned, Jack in tow. The redhead was laying spread out on the floor watching the TV. Stepping over him and saying hello to Keiko, Kimiko's mind finally set back on her earlier encounter.

"Oh Jack, I met you're roommate. He stopped by earlier with Josh. They were looking for you."

"Yeah, I already saw them. Rai mentioned meeting you, wouldn't stop talking abou…" he trailed off as if sensing he'd said too much.

"What?" Kimiko asked intrigued.

"Nothing," Jack waved it off and Kimiko didn't push despite the fact that she desperately wanted to know. Keiko sent her a look from where she sat on her bed as Kimiko sat at her desk and flicked on her computer. 'Later' Kimiko mouth to Keiko who nodded and turned back to talk to Jack. Kimiko's mind shut them out as her heart began to flutter wildly again and Kimiko wondered if all of this was a good thing or a bad thing.

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Over the next few days Kimiko tried to keep Raimundo Pedrosa from her mind, tried not to play their encounter up too much in her mind after hearing that half the girls in the school had already fallen for his unbelievable smile. She instead tried to focus on the first week of classes and the numerous clubs starting up on campus as well as all the new arrival of upperclassmen. She saw him a few more times and returned the greeting or smile he threw her way but she decided that pursuing anything with him would be beyond foolish. Kimiko had never been a forward girl in the respects of the opposite sex; she felt she was strong and confident in every other area, except for that. Her last boyfriend had been in the eighth grade and had resulted in her immense embarrassment as he publicly cheated on her and didn't acknowledge her at all as she tried to talk to him. The next year had found her somehow the object of sexual harassment from a boy she'd once considered a friend. The abuse hadn't stopped, Kimiko refusing to show it was getting to her, until a teacher had found her in an empty hallway pinned from behind to her locker by the boy. He'd taken hold of both of her hands, locking them behind her back, tickling her with his free hand and Kimiko had tried to throw him off of her but was unsuccessful. The teacher had obviously broken it up and the boy had been punished, after that leaving her alone for the most part but the experiences had left Kimiko sour with most members of the opposite sex who only seemed intent on getting a rise out of her.

That's why she wasn't going to let her heart lead her anyway with Raimundo Pedrosa since he had heart break written all over him. That plan might have worked out nicely if Raimundo hadn't somehow suddenly become a friend. Kimiko couldn't really say how it happened but they would end up walking to classes together, discussing the books and movies both liked, and eating meals as part of a larger group, but always managing to find seats next to one another. If she had to pinpoint a start to the friendship, outside of their initial meeting, Kimiko would have to say it occurred when he messaged her on the computer one night. Since she hadn't given him her screen name it had surprised her and when she'd told Keiko her confusion Keiko had smiled like a good roommate and explained.

"He asked me for your screen name," Keiko explained with a grin. "He said he wanted to talk to you more." Kimiko's eyes had widened at that and she was sure she'd blushed because Keiko laughed again. She seemed to be the only one of her friends who thought that Raimundo might like her the way she secretly pined for him. Her other girlfriends, even a few of her guy friends who were actually aware of the situation, said that it was just the way Raimundo was. He wasn't even aware that he had so many girls hooked on him.

Even if it wasn't intentional Raimundo had hooked Kimiko but she was determined not to let that get in the way of any friendship they might develop. With that in mind Kimiko did fight hard to keep the flurry of emotion in check when they were together and as their first semester of college of college started to pass them by the two became closer than Kimiko could have hoped for. She, of course, had other friends that she greatly enjoyed spending time with, as did Raimundo but their time alone together was one of the things that she really looked forward to. It was funny because she and Jack practically switched places. Jack seemed to spend more time on the girls' floor talking with Keiko and the others while Kimiko often found herself spending her free time with Raimundo in his room and more then once she'd ended up falling asleep on his bottom bunk with him while reading or watching a movie.

Kimiko often wondered if there was more than then just friendship. He didn't seem to have such a close relationship with any other girl on campus. She was the one he sought out when he wanted help when he decided to run for class president, though many other offers of help came his way. She was the one he'd swap books and movies with, she was the one he'd ask to go to dinner in the dining hall with, she was the one who he'd surprised with a birthday cupcake when he met her outside one of her classes. All of that, and the feelings she had at the mere sight of him, all seemed to point to one thing for Kimiko but she wasn't about to get her hopes up, especially when so many people seemed to doubt that there was anything but friendship between the two. Apparently it wasn't obvious to guys that her attention was somewhere else and she'd been beyond surprised when Josh asked her out on a formal date, proving her assumption that Josh hung around for Keiko very wrong.

Kimiko had been so blind sided by the invitation that she had been slow to react and that unfortunately seemed to get Josh's hopes up, making her refusal all the worse. She hadn't talked with Raimundo about that but their campus was small enough that she was sure he knew, and of course he was also friends with Josh. Thankfully Rai never brought it up either. That had been the end of her friendship with Josh though she tried to salvage it. For a time it seemed that it might be saved but he had tried asking her out again, a few weeks later and since then the two barely spoke, Josh avoiding her adamantly and Kimiko hadn't thought it was wroth pursuing a friendship with a person who wouldn't accept her answer and punished her for it.

During the unsteady period with Josh Kimiko couldn't help but notice a distance growing between her and Raimundo as well. They still talked, but not nearly as often and they barely spent time alone together. When Kimiko lamented this to friends they didn't seem very surprised which annoyed her to now end. Had she just imagined everything? Was there really nothing special between her and Raimundo? She didn't have the courage to approach him about it so she was stuck. The answer for his odd, almost aloof behavior started to become apparent one night when Kimiko had gone to the second floor to talk to a friend about homework they had in a class together. The lead up World Series was in full swing so many nights people would congregate in one room to watch the game and that night the room happened to belong to the friend Kimiko was seeking.

Kimiko wasn't so surprised to see Raimundo in the room watching the game, more surprised that Rebecca Mares was sitting next to him. Rebecca lived on the same floor as Kimiko, a few doors down in a corner room. They hadn't spent a lot of time together but Kimiko thought she was a nice enough girl and really had nothing against her. She was nice but extremely shy and so didn't open up to many. That's why Kimiko was surprised to see her sitting in a room amongst so many loud and excited people. Kimiko smiled and said hello to the tall, slim red head and Rebecca smiled back with her own greeting. Her eyes flickered over to Rai who smiled a greeting but did nothing else as his eyes moved back to the TV. After reviewing the assignment with her classmate Kimiko had made a hasty retreat, feeling unbearably uncomfortable for some reason. Later in the night she made her way back downstairs and found the room considerably less crowded and quiet so Kimiko settled in, asking casually where everyone had gone.

"Pretty much everyone bailed after the last inning," Ryan, who actually lived in the room, answered, "the game's only going one way now." Kimiko nodded and kept her eyes on the screen but her ears open to the conversation still milling around the room, perking up when someone mentioned Rebecca.

"I was kinda surprised she was down here," Kimiko admitted, breaking into the conversation. "I didn't know you guys were friends with her." Ryan shrugged.

"She's nice enough," he answered neutrally.

"Yeah, and hot," another boy added and Kimiko rolled her eyes.

"Duh, Raimundo's certainly noticed," a third male added and Kimiko had to fight her initial reaction to turn sharply, working hard to keep a stricken look off her face.

"Are they together?" the only other girl in the room, Veronica, a friend, but not close friend, of Kimiko's, asked.

"No, but Rai's been spending a bunch of time with her lately," the third boy answered. "They were going to go watch a movie in her room after they got ice cream at the campus center." Kimiko didn't add anything, just kept her eyes on the screen until the inning finally came to an end around midnight, everyone filing out of the room, but Kimiko was slow to leave.

"Hey," Ryan caught her attention before she left. "Can you read over a paper for me?" he asked and Kimiko agreed with a bit of a huff, wondering why he hadn't bothered asking earlier. Many of her friends had her read over their papers, being a Literature major sucked that way.

"Do you need it right now?" Kimiko asked moving back over to where Ryan sat at the computer. "Or can you print it out and I'll give it back in the morning?"

"I don't have any papers due right now," Ryan told her and Kimiko looked confused. "I wanted to make sure you were ok." Only now did Kimiko realize Ryan had innocently asked her to stay behind so they could have some privacy when he asked her.

"What do you mean?" Kimiko asked playing dumb.

"Those guys were being idiots before talking about Rebecca and Raimundo like that." Kimiko gave an indifferent shrug.

"Not my place to approve of what Raimundo does." Ryan looked at her skeptically.

"Ok, whatever," he said with a shrug turning back to his computer screen.

"Thanks Ryan," Kimiko managed out and Ryan smiled in response.

"Just don't let it get to you," he advised when Kimiko turned to leave.

"Sure thing," Kimiko assured him knowing that it was easier said then done. Kimiko did try hard not to let it get to her but with little success. She was starting to notice more and more how Raimundo seemed to show up around Rebecca and how little he seemed to be around her. Trying to heed Ryan's advice Kimiko tried to concentrate on the approaching midterms instead, struggling hard with a paper for her Major English Author's One class. She still hadn't completed the paper on the night before it was due so when Raimundo messaged her and asked her to come down to his room Kimiko had answered honestly that she was working on a paper and couldn't really break at the moment. He didn't answer back but Kimiko barely noticed as she proof read her conclusion, deciding she didn't like the way it read and was going to redo it when Raimundo suddenly appeared in her doorway.

"Hey!" he said with a smile that Kimiko tried hard not to return too eagerly.

"Hey Rai," Kimiko answered back looking away from the screen and wondered why he was beaming so thoroughly. "What's going on?"

"I wanted to tell you first," he said walking over to Kimiko not seeming to notice that Keiko was also in the room. He leaned against the wardrobe next to the desk and crossed his arms over his chest, looking somewhat to kid at Christmas.

"What's going on?" Kimiko asked curious looking up at him from where she sat.

"I'm going out with Rebecca," he said with another huge smile, and for the first time his smile turned Kimiko cold.

"That's great," Kimiko rebounded quickly. "I'm happy for you." She made no other move or looked ready to say something else and she could tell that perhaps he'd been expecting more. "Really great Rai," Kimiko repeated and tried to look and sounded genuine.

"Thanks Kimiko," Rai said sincerely and Kimiko was certain her heart had shattered at that point in time. "Well, I've got to go and meet Rebecca for dinner, I just wanted you to be first to know."  
"Sure, sounds good," Kimiko said with a nod of her head, realizing that it made very little sense but Raimundo didn't seem to pick up on it.

"Talk to you later then?" he asked as he turned to leave.

"Kay," Kimiko managed out again and watched him go. As soon as she was sure he was gone Keiko sprang into action.

"Um, wow. You ok Kimiko?" she asked looking over at her roommate, honest concern showing in her voice and eyes.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Kimiko answered looking back at her computer screen and blinked back tears, feeling foolish that they were forming at all.

"Umm," Keiko struggled for an answer as Kimiko stood suddenly.

"I need some fresh air," she declared reaching for her jacket and keys. There as a bite of fall in the air and now that the days were shorter the nights were all that colder.

"You want me to come?" Keiko asked but Kimiko shook her head.

"No, I'm good, just want to clear my head before I finish up on this paper," Kimiko said walking out the door. She headed for the back exit, toward the parking lot and the path that ran along the outer perimeter of the school. As she left she passed a group of students smoking quickly and fighting against the growing wind. 'I've never needed a cigarette more in my life,' Kimiko thought and longed for the courage to bum one off of one of the smokers. Though she didn't smoke regularly Kimiko had gone through a faze in high school where she and her best friend would meet on Fridays to share the cigarettes she'd taken from her mother over the course of the week and they'd bitch and moan about the triviality of high school and all of the things they'd do once they were in college, once they were in the 'real world'. Those times seemed hopelessly foolish and juvenile suddenly but it didn't elevate the want for a cigarette. Fighting the urge Kimiko headed toward the side walk and looped the school twice without so much as a single thought before heading back to the dorm. Ryan and few other people she knew had replaced the smokers Kimiko had passed earlier. Kimiko paused to greet them, her eyes locking on the cigarettes in their hands.

"Want one?" Ryan joked noticing her stare. Kimiko had a reputation for being pretty straight cut; no smoking, no drinking, no drugs so his offer was more of a joke than anything which is why he was so surprised when she said yes.

"If you don't mind," she said taking the offered cigarette and bummed a light off an already lit one. The sun was completely gone now and the temperature was bordering on bitter and very quickly only Ryan and Kimiko were left outside.

"I didn't even know you knew how to smoke," Ryan observed when they were alone.

"I'm just full of surprises," Kimiko said sarcastically. Ryan silently handed over a second cigarette that Kimiko accepted with thanks. "I smoking, I really do. I got into a bad habit of doing it when I drink and now I always want one when I'm stressed."

"You drink?" Ryan asked surprised and Kimiko shrugged.

"Just because I don't like hanging out at Halfway House or the Branch on the weekend drinking crappy domestic beer and being hit on by drunk jocks doesn't mean I don't drink, I just don't really like it that much."

"Point taken," Ryan said defensively and Kimiko only sighed. "So you obvious aren't drinking," Ryan pointed out. "What are you stressed about?"  
"Midterms," Kimiko lied.

"And this stress has nothing to do with the fact that Raimundo and Rebecca are going out?" Ryan asked.

"Nope," Kimiko lied confidently again. "And anyway how did you know that they were going out?"

"Small school, news travels fast because one persons business is another persons business," Ryan said not pressing the issue any more, for a moment at least. "But you know," he said with philosophic wave of his cigarette free hand, "there are plenty of fish in the sea, life goes on, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera."

"I'll keep that in mind," Kimiko smiled leaning heavier on the rail that ran up the wheelchair ramp. "Am I an idiot for thinking there was something there?" she asked daring a look over at Ryan as he considered his answer. Kimiko felt odd in asking him, since they weren't that close compared to many of her friends but it was easy to open up to him as the nicotine calmed her nerves.

"I'm probably not the best person to ask," he finally concluded.

"Why not?" she asked.

"I have a biased opinion," he simply stated and Kimiko didn't question it, interpreting that as a guy he didn't really notice those sorts of things, or that he couldn't say since he was friends with both Raimundo and Kimiko. She wouldn't learn till years later that she had interpreted it all wrong.

"They go well together though," Kimiko observed.

"That they do," Ryan agreed.

"He and I are kinda opposites. I mean we like the same movies and everything but our world views, things like that, the more important things, are always pretty different."

"They say opposites attract," Ryan observed and Kimiko scowled.

"Not helping."

"Does it help that you're probably not the only heart broken girl over this?"

"Maybe," Kimiko said skillfully flicking the spent cigarette away from her. "I need to finish my paper, and brush my teeth," she added hating the after taste of smoking in her mouth.

"Sounds good," Ryan said following her inside. When they were about to part ways, Ryan to his second floor room and Kimiko up to the third, Ryan paused and said something else.

"Seriously Kimiko, don't t let this drag you down," he advised.

"I won't," Kimiko tried to say confidently, hoping she'd mean it but as the weeks dragged on it wasn't working that way. It was like Raimundo dropped off the face of the planet. Every so often Kimiko would see him walk past her room on the way to Rebecca's room but he never stopped, never even paused. She tried, initially, to maintain at least some semblance of her past relationship with Raimundo but failed miserably since Raimundo clearly had no time for her.

Outside of Keiko, Jack, and a few others most people didn't seem to have a whole lot of sympathy for the heartbroken Kimiko. Thanksgiving came and went, followed quickly by the Holiday break. Kimiko wanted to think that the dread she felt for returning at the end of break had nothing to do with Raimundo but that would have been a lie. It certainly didn't help though as Kimiko found herself fighting off the rapid redevelopment of the Depression that she'd battled with through most of her high school years. As the cold and snowy days of the second semester dragged on slowly Kimiko found herself seeping deeper and deeper into a very bad place. She wanted desperately to talk with Raimundo about it, thinking that somehow he would know and understand what she was going through and maybe he could elevate it somehow. She practiced her speech about approaching him in her mind countless times but she never found the courage to do it.

Finally she came to a decision. If there was anyway that she was going to be able to recuperate and beat back her depression then she needed time and space to do so. Her college was unique in that it ran on a trimester, the third and last semester only lasting six weeks. Most students took classes that involved trips going overseas while others stayed behind and took classes that ranged anywhere from high level science labs to dodge ball. Kimiko couldn't imagine staying in school through all of that and instead opted for what the school called a leave of absence and so Kimiko would be leaving at the end of the second semester. She asked her closest friends, who had become like family, to meet so she could explain her behavior since the beginning of the semester and explain her reasons for leaving, and most importantly that she didn't know for certain if she'd be returning for sophomore year. Kimiko had made the hard decision not to invite Raimundo to her impromptu meeting which was why she was so surprised when he showed up on her doorway later that night.

"Hey," he said walking in with a gentle knock on the door. Kimiko, who'd been lying on her bed, was up like a shot.

"Hey," was all she managed to reply with as she folded her legs underneath her.

"Haven't seen you around in a while," Raimundo observed and Kimiko couldn't help but narrow her eyes slightly.

"That's not my fault," she said grimly and Raimundo visibly winced slightly.

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry," he apologized sheepishly as he sat on the edge of her bed. Kimiko watched him curiously as he watched her. She was considering telling him what she'd told the others a few hours before when Raimundo beat her to it.

"I talked with Keiko a little while ago," he said out of the blue. Kimiko nodded though she wasn't sure why. Her roommate was consumed with practices for an upcoming dance show and, like most nights for the past few weeks, was currently at the dance studio. "She mentioned you weren't going to be around term three."

"Yeah," Kimiko said unable to meet his gaze any longer. "It's better for me to try and get my head together. If I stayed I'm sure I'd be so unhappy that I might never want to come back."

"So you really might not come back sophomore year?" he asked surprised.

"I don't know right now, it wouldn't be a good idea to make a decision right now. I mean, I've got great friends here," she said making sure her eyes weren't on him as she said it, "but I don't know if its worth it if that's the only reason to come back."

"Hmm," Raimundo mused and there was silence again.

"How's Rebecca?" Kimiko made herself ask.

"Good," came Rai's bland reply.

"That's good," Kimiko answered back. Time continued to click by in silence until Kimiko dared to ask, "Is there anything you need Raimundo?"

"No."

"Then, no offence, but I should get back to reading," she said looking back at the book she'd been reading before Raimundo had interrupted when he walked it. She knew it was harsh and saw his face flinch slightly when she basically ordered him to go.

"Ok then, see you around Kimiko," he said standing and making to leave.

"See yeah," Kimiko called back.

Both had been lying. They barely crossed paths in the remaining weeks of the second term and Kimiko, so consumed with things, hadn't even known that Raimundo and Rebecca had broken up until far after the fact. Kimiko was preparing to leave on the very last day of the second semester and by that time most of her friends had already gone home for the spring holiday so they'd stopped by before leaving to wish her luck and hoped that she's be back in the fall. Raimundo had not been one of them and as she pulled away from the college, her and her parents cars loaded with her things, Kimiko couldn't help but look back at the school and wonder where Raimundo was, what he was doing, why he hadn't come around, and most importantly- would she ever see him again

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And part one comes to a close. Next chapter will open into sophomore year. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment, putting this out there. But like I said its been on my mind a lot lately. I suppose I could have, probably should have, posted this like it was completely a work of fiction but then, to me at least, it looses some of its validity. And I also think it's a nice story to share, that things like this really happen in real life. I think these comments will make more sense when the story ends. It'll probably be a three part story, maybe four depending on the length once I've finished with it completely. This entry was twelve pages but the whole thing so far is over forty.

I had mentioned in "Attention" that I had a new, involved, decided by the reader, one shot. This isn't it. That has yet to come. I'll probably dedicate most of my weekend writing on this and then back to "Into the Rush".

That's all, let me know what you think of my new venture.


	2. Someone Else

"_Started out lacking everything_

_I didn't know you_

_Soon things changed, and so did the things I'd do_

_It's always easier to lie_

_The hard part's to let it go_

_But you never looked to me_

_So tell me why I can't see_

_What this thing could turn out to be_

_Tell me why I'm still here_

_When everything seems so unclear to me right now_

_I tried to be everything you wanted_

_But when I looked you weren't there_

_Until I looked again_

_To see you standing there but you weren't in your eyes_

_It's always easier to lie_

_The hard part's to let I go_

_But you never said goodbye_

_So tell me why I can't see_

_What this thing could turn out to be_

_Tell me why I'm still here_

_When everything seems so unclear to me right now_

_It's simple, it's simple and pointless but I can't guess it yet_

_Was it right when you went away_

_So tell me why I can't see what this thing could turn out to be_

_And tell me why I don't know you the way that you know me_

_So tell me why I can't see what this thing could turn out to be_

_And tell me why I'm still here when everything seems so unclear_

_This is how I felt_

_And it feels like you're someone else"_

_The Scarlet Ending 'Someone Else' _

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The summer between her freshman and sophomore year flew by in a whirl for Kimiko but in times of quiet she often thought of her college friends, and more specifically Raimundo. She'd talked with all of the friends she's really bonded with through the year and they were all eager to hear if she was or wasn't coming back to school in the fall. Once or twice Kimiko had considered sending Raimundo an instant message or calling his cell phone but each time she would chicken out. As the summer months came to an end Kimiko realized that she wanted, or at least, needed to give the school another chance before writing it off. She was in a much better state of mind and as the day for her return to college approached Kimiko began to feel genuine excitement at seeing her friends again. She wondered if she would see Raimundo but she'd done her best to make sure that all romantic notions of the boys had been wiped from her mind over the summer, she simply didn't need that self inflicted torture.

But all of her resolved crumbled when she saw him again. While waiting to pick up her new school id and room keys Kimiko heard an all too familiar voice call out her name from behind. Whirling around Kimiko's eyes confirmed that it was indeed Raimundo standing a few feet off, as handsome as ever, grinning almost uncontrollably at her. Before she could help herself Kimiko had practically sprinted over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck in a genuine hug that her returned immediately and with the same amount of vigor.

"I'm so happy you came back," he told her when they'd pulled apart.

"Me too," Kimiko agreed eagerly. There was an awkward pause and Kimiko realized she was staring hard at him.

"So, where are you living this year?" he asked almost nonchalantly.

"Johnson Hall," Kimiko replied. Once again the room selection gods were smiling at her and she'd received an excellent number in the room pool, scoring what was literally the second to last dorm in the favorite upperclassmen dorm.

"Me too!" Rai grinned. "I'm up on fourth floor in a suite with Greg, Clay, and Jack." Kimiko only recognized Jack's name in the list but didn't have a chance to question it when someone called out her name, holding out the folder containing her keys, room evaluation form, and new student ID. "Hang on a second," Kimiko said turning away to retrieve the folder.

"I've got to go anyway," Raimundo told her before she left. "I'm on my way to soccer practice but someone said you were back so I wanted to come see you." Kimiko was sure she was nine different shades of red as she nodded at him. "See you later?" he asked as he turned to leave.

"Definitely," Kimiko promised feeling her hopes for the year grow hugely.

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"I'd like to but I can't," Kimiko apologized to two of her girlfriends. "Its one of the soccer team's last home games and I really want to see it."

"You mean you just want to see Rai play," one of the girls, Lindsey, teased.

"More like the other way around," Keiko added with a giggle.

"Haha, very funny," Kimiko said rolling her eyes. What they said was completely true however. The soccer season was coming to a quick close and Kimiko hadn't been to a single game and Raimundo had made her promise she'd be at this afternoon's game since it was one of the last home ones.

"Its ok," Lindsey, Kimiko's roommate for the year, told her, "we'll see you at dinner maybe?"

"Sounds good, call my cell," Kimiko answered back as the two left. They'd wanted her to go shopping with them but Kimiko was determined to keep her promise to Raimundo. He'd been trying to get her to come to one all semester but Kimiko was swamped between working on the paper and by joining the same dance club as Keiko. She didn't have a lot of talent as a dancer, at least she didn't think so, but enjoyed it none the less. But she'd made sure there was nothing to keep her from seeing the game and as soon as she finished her French homework she was heading over to field to get a good seat and to make sure Raimundo knew she was there.

The field was virtually empty when she arrived but a few spectators were like her, getting the best seats on the bleachers and settling in to watch the warm up. As she settled on the cold bleacher Kimiko caught Raimundo's eyes as he scanned the area and gave a tiny wave. She received another dreamy smile as a reward and a small wave before his attention returned to practice. Kimiko couldn't help but sigh as she watched him. In the summer before freshman year Raimundo had gotten surgery on his left knee, resulting in his crutches during orientation. He'd barely played during his first season on the team but the little had played had impressed the coach enough to assign him to the first line this year and Rai had proudly told Kimiko this one night at dinner. It was like all of the bad of freshman year had disappeared and the two were inseparable again, resuming like there had never been a period of awkwardness. It made Kimiko happy and unfortunately got her hopes again. She didn't want to get hurt again but she couldn't help as her wishful thinking got to her.

As the game was getting ready to begin Raimundo caught Kimiko's eye again and he sent her a wink that made Kimiko blush uncontrollably.

"Was that a wink I just saw?" Jack asked from Kimiko's right.

"Yeah," Kimiko said wryly, "why was he winking at you?" Jack gave a fake dry laugh before looking murderous.

"Very funny," he said dryly. Kimiko grinned and rolled her eyes. They boy had finally come out of the closet over the summer he'd spent working at the college, having no desire to return home. He called himself bi but Kimiko wasn't buying it. Jack really didn't need to come out since all of the school had already assumed it and Kimiko wondered what kind of parents Jack had that they hadn't noticed it themselves. But that, Kimiko suspected was half the reason Jack wasn't keen at going home. As the game got underway Kimiko kept her eyes on Raimundo the whole time. She was slightly worried, as she was about every game, that his knee might give trouble but nearly the whole game had passed and Kimiko thought they were in the clear. But as soon as those thoughts started to float into her mind the Gods chose to spite her. With a bit of horror Kimiko watched Raimundo slide at an opponent, knocking the ball away, and Kimiko knew immediately that he was in trouble. She was standing before anyone else realized that Raimundo was in a great amount of pain, not moving an inch stuck in his odd position, left knee folded underneath him, right leg still pointed out from catching the ball. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to Kimiko the refs called the timer and the medical trainer were with Raimundo, helping him to stand and keeping him supported since his knee obvious couldn't take the weight. The fans clapped as he was helped off the field and the game resumed. Kimiko's attention was all on Raimundo though as he was loaded carefully into the back of a golf cart and driven away.

"I'm going to go check on him," Kimiko told Jack knowing that they'd be taking him to the health center.

"Knock yourself out," Jack said without a lot of enthusiasm, "I'll watch the game and tell you how it turns out." Kimiko gave into the urge and smack the redhead upside the head. "What was that for?" Jack complained in a whine.

"Show a little compassion," she ordered ignoring the requests from behind that she sit down.

"I'm sure he's fine," Jack said as Kimiko picked her way down the bleacher steps. Kimiko sent him an annoyed look over her shoulder as she left, walking quickly to the health center. Her assumption had been right and Raimundo was waiting in the trainer's office.

"I'm not sure what I did," Rai admitted when Kimiko asked looking concerned. "I think I'm fine though."

"Sure and that's why you can't walk on it," Kimiko said sarcastically.

"They're going to have me go and get x-rays tomorrow just to make sure," Rai told her, "does that make you feel any better?" Kimiko blew at her bangs.

"Not really."

"Well they're driving me back over the dorms in a minute and if I wasn't ok they wouldn't be letting me go," Rai told her.

"That's not true," Kimiko argued. The school's health center was famous for being somewhat incompetent. Kimiko luckily hadn't spent a lot of time in the center so she couldn't really judge. "When are you going back?" she asked.

"In just a second."

"Ok," Kimiko said looking determined. "I'll meet you back over there. I'm going to stop and get you something to eat first. Any requests?"

"You don't have to do that," Rai tried to tell her but Kimiko was already shaking her head defiantly.

"But I want to," she said confidently. "I'll be quick ok?" Rai nodded and Kimiko left with another worried look in his direction. Rai was playing it off as nothing but Kimiko knew he had to be in real pain if he hadn't been able to get back up on the field. Moving quickly once she was in the campus center Kimiko bought a few of the snacks she knew Rai liked from the tiny grocery story in the dining hall and then ordered what was for dinner to go. Rai was settled on his suite's couch in the common room when Kimiko came in through the unlocked door.

"Room service," she called out teasingly and Raimundo grinned at her. "Here's your dinner, now eat it all up," she ordered in an exaggerated motherly way, "and then you can have snacks later." She pulled the coffee table in the center of the room closer and set the food on it.

"Thanks Kim, you really didn't need to," Rai said and Kimiko beamed from his attention.

"But I wanted to," she said with nod. "Besides I had to make it up to you somehow."

"What do you mean?" Rai asked curiously.

"I'm obviously bad luck. Didn't I tell you that all the teams I cheer for always loose; the Cubs, the Bills, the Sabres, and now unfortunately the Eagles."

"You aren't bad luck," Rai argued readjusting the ice pack on his knee.

"Sure I am," Kimiko said sticking a few drinks in the fridge before sitting at the end of the couch where his feet took up the least amount of space. "Look what happened to you. I haven't come to one game this season and the one I do end up going to you wind up like this. Clearly I am a jinx."

"No you aren't," Rai argued looking serious. "I like it when you come to my games." Their eyes locked as Raimundo spoke and Kimiko felt his fingertips brush against where they were close on the couch cushion. Kimiko felt her breath get caught in her throat as she felt his fingers inched even closer as his hand moved over hers. The moment was broken when the suite door banged open startling them both and Kimiko noted with disappointment that Raimundo drew his hand away from hers.

"So it is true!" one of Rai's roommates, Greg, said dramatically. "You did get hurt in the line of duty." Greg then set his eyes on Kimiko. "Hey there Kimiko, come to visit the invalid?"

"Hey Greg, and no, I'm here to take care of him cause I caused it," Kimiko replied. She wasn't sure how much she liked Greg. She certainly didn't dislike him but there was something about him that made her uncomfortable. Both Greg and Clay were a year ahead of Raimundo, Jack, and Kimiko making them juniors.

"How is this your fault Kimiko?" Clay asked looking oddly at her. Kimiko knew for certain she liked Clay. He was like a big brother, sweet and nice to her but fierce to her enemies.

"She thinks she's a jinx," Rai answered for her and then looked at Kimiko when he added, "which is totally ridiculous."

"Think what you will but I'll be staying away from you whenever it is possible that you could be hurting yourself. In fact I probably shouldn't be allowed near you when you're eating," she said standing up, "you might choke."

"Kimiko," Rai said in an annoyed groan.

"I'll be right back up. I just want to grab something from my room," Kimiko said slipping out of the room but held in a heavy sigh until she was in the stairwell. Here heart pounded considerably at the simplest little touch, more of a motion really. 'Damn you Raimundo,' Kimiko swore to herself as she made her way to her room, 'you make it very hard to get over you.' After grabbing the bottle of ibuprofen she always kept handy and brought it back up to the suite.

"Here you go, keep it, you're probably going to need it," she said tossing the bottle at him.

"Thanks Kim," he said turning the bottle over in his hands as he studied it and didn't look her in the eyes. Suddenly feeling uncomfortable Kimiko planned an exit.

"If you need anything do hesitate to ask," she assured him, "but I promised the girls I meet them for dinner."

"No worries Kimiko," Greg said throwing an arm over her shoulder. "We'll take over the care of gimpy so you don't need to worry your pretty little head any." Kimiko wasn't sure how she liked the contact so she slipped smoothly out of his touch.

"Alright, sounds good. I'll check in later then. You sure you don't want or need anything else from the campus center Rai?" she asked turning her attention to the boy who suddenly looked sour.

"Nope, all set."

"Ok then," Kimiko said uneasily, "I'll see you guys later." As she left Kimiko tried to figure our what Rai's sudden mood swing was about. Maybe because he was in pain? Or was she just annoying him by hovering? Or maybe, maybe he was angry because he realized he'd given her the wrong impression?

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The news about Raimundo's injury was mixed. He'd need surgery again but luckily it was minor and could even be done over the Thanksgiving holiday and he'd be all fixed up by the time he returned to school. Unfortunately that meant no more soccer for the season and that he was back on the dreaded crutches. That wasn't to stop Raimundo though and Kimiko caught him moving around campus often without the aid.

"You're just going to hurt yourself worse," she warned him.

"And miss seeing your face every time you catch me without them? Not a chance," Rai teased and Kimiko had only rolled her eyes in annoyance. Luckily Raimundo's bad mood had lifted by the next day and Kimiko didn't feel the need to bring it up. They were still spending most of their free time with one another but Kimiko was starting to feel a shift from Raimundo, similar to the year before, begin to happen. She wondered what obviously had him distracted but didn't want to pry or make something out of nothing; it could be, and probably was, nothing more than her own paranoia. She got her answer about a week after the thanksgiving break when she came up to watch a football game in the boy's suite.

"Hey there Kimiko!" Greg said enthusiastically when she entered. Kimiko waved back a greeting.

"How's it going Kimiko?" Clay asked more politely than Greg's flamboyant outburst.

"Good Clay, how about you?"

"Doing good, doing good. Want anything to eat?" Clay asked pointing to the spread of food on the coffee table.

"No, I'm all set," Kimiko told him silently wondering how boys could eat so much. "Where's Raimundo?"

"Talking on the phone in his room," Jack answered looking bored. Kimiko was about to sit next to him on the floor when Raimundo suddenly stuck his head out his room and silently motioned her into his room before disappearing back inside. Kimiko answered the other boys' questioning looks with a shrug of her shoulders and complied with Rai's wishes.

"Yeah, hang on a second Catherine," Rai said into the phone when Kimiko came in. Placing his hand over the mouth piece he looked desperately over at Kimiko.

"Talk to my sister please," he said holding the phone out to her. "I'm desperate. I need a break and I need to go to the bathroom so please?"

"Too much detail," Kimiko told him.

"Will you just take the phone?" he asked again quickly.

"What am I supposed to talk to your sister about?" Kimiko wondered.

"I don't know, girl stuff," Rai answered lamely. "Kimiko please," he pleaded again when Kimiko looked unconvinced.

"Fine," Kimiko said accepting the phone. As soon as it was in her hands Rai quickly thanked her and then bolted. Kimiko scowled after him and then looked back at the phone before sighing and pressing it to her ear. "Hello?" she asked tentatively.

"Hello? Who's this?" a girl asked on the other end.

"My name is Kimiko, I'm a friend of your brother's at school," Kimiko explained. "You're Catherine right?" Kimiko asked.

"Yup! And you're Kimiko! Wow, of course I know who you are," Catherine said in a rush.

"You do?" Kimiko asked.

"Of course, Rai talks about you all the time."

"Really?" Kimiko said disbelievingly.

"Yeah," Catherine said and Kimiko could see her grinning on the other end. "So you two are going out?"

"Going out?" Kimiko repeated in a panicked voice. "No, your brother and I are just friends."

"Really?" Catherine sounded confused. "Over Thanksgiving he said he was going out with something. I just assumed it was you since he was always talking about you. Even when he was going out with that Rebecca girl he still mentioned you at least once whenever he called home."

"No, I'm not going out with Raimundo," Kimiko repeated softly, not wanting the boys to hear. To be safe she shut Raimundo's bedroom door and settled on his bed.

"That's weird," Catherine said. "But Raimundo's a bit weird himself so I guess it fits."

"Yeah he is kinda funny," Kimiko admitted.

"I don't want to talk about Rai thought," Catherine said in another rush. "I wanna talk about college. What's it like there? Raimundo won't tell me anything."

"Well what do you want to know?" Kimiko asked.

"Everything."

"You should com visit us sometime then," Kimiko ventured. "You could even stay in my room if you wanted to."

"I wish I could but Maine is so far from everything and it would be hard to get down there," Catherine lamented.

"I guess you're right about that," Kimiko admitted.

"So why aren't you going out with my brother?" Catherine asked out of the blue. "Do you like him?"

"Umm," Kimiko struggled for an answer.

"I mean would you try to go out with him if he didn't already have a girl friend?" Catherine validated her question.

"I don't know," Kimiko admitted. "I didn't even know he had a girlfriend so I obviously don't know him as well as I thought."

"Well don't worry, I think he likes you," Catherine said confidently.

"It's a bit more complicated than that," Kimiko tried to say but Catherine rushed on.

"I mean he was all jealous last year when that other kid liked you." Kimiko shifted uncomfortably on the bed.

"He told you all these things Catherine?" Kimiko asked.

"Well not directly, but you I could tell," she said sounding very sure of herself.

"Then do me a favor and don't mention this all to your brother," Kimiko asked.

"Sure," Catherine said and Kimiko could practically see the girl's shoulders shrugged. "So if you aren't interested in my brother are you interested in anyone else? Are there a lot of cute guys at college?"

"Sure there are a lot of cute guys; you just have to find one that actually has the personality to go along with the good looks. That's a rare find," Kimiko replied.

"So I guess that's a no then?" Catherine asked.

"You would be correct. I'm not going out with anyone right now," Kimiko said with a sigh.

"You sound disappointed," Catherine observed.

"You are very observant for your age," Kimiko smiled.

"Hey! I'm fifteen years old," Catherine argued.

"And I'm complimenting you," Kimiko assured her. "I don't know a lot of people who are that observant through only a phone call."

"Yeah well you hang out with boys a lot right?"

"I guess so," Kimiko agreed, "I have a lot of friends that are girls though. We're pretty tight."

"Yeah but Rai said that you hang out with the guys a lot. I heard him tell mom once that you're like one of the guys or something like that," Catherine said off hand and Kimiko wasn't sure how to take it. "So that means that you deal with a lot of stupid boys all the time. I'm sure you don't get a lot of intelligent conversation." Kimiko laughed in response.

"I guess you're right about that," Kimiko agreed.

"I can't wait for college," Catherine said excitedly, "so I can hang out in rooms with boys and stay up late and go to parties." Kimiko thought the girl had high hopes and cliché expectations but she wasn't about to dash the girl's dreams. A heavy sigh came from the other end of the line. "I have to go," Catherine said sounding annoyed, "Mom's freaking out. Tell Raimundo I said bye. Can we talk again sometime?"

"Sure why not?" Kimiko said. "But why don't I give you my email. It might be easier that way."

"Ok!" Catherine said excitedly and Kimiko gave the girl her personal email address. "Alright, good night!" Catherine called into the phone.

"Night," Kimiko replied and hung up the phone. Sighing she twirled the cell in her hands and thought about what Catherine said. Raimundo had an apparently nondescript girlfriend. He talked about her to his family, but he also had a girlfriend. How had Kimiko not known about that before? Maybe Catherine was mistaken. The easiest thing to do would to have simply ask Raimundo about the alleged girlfriend but Kimiko didn't want to risk approaching him about it. Instead she decided that she'd tap into the school's gossip pool and try to get some information.

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Kimiko decided that she really was a clueless, oblivious wonder. How could she not have known, not have noticed, that Raimundo was going out with Ashley Carros? Apparently everyone knew about it, except for Kimiko. When she asked her girlfriends if they knew they all had said yes and looked at her oddly when Kimiko confessed she didn't know. The response was always the same.

'You and him are so close and spend all that time together. I never brought it up because I thought you knew.'

Kimiko wasn't sure how to bring it up with Raimundo or if she should at all. She was still debating it as the end of term spiraled closer and the events of the Holiday Weekend approached. It was school tradition to host a holiday banquet, dance, and brunch in the weekends that approached finals. Kimiko had gone last year, disheartened at seeing Raimundo and Rebecca together and not enjoying his compliment that she looked really pretty as much as she should have. It seemed that she was heading for that same fate this year. A few days before the dance Kimiko had been procrastinating by playing games on the computer, guilt free since Lindsey was no longer around to accuse her of being distracting, having fled to the library to cram for a nursing final that was just two weeks away.

"Hard at work?" a voice asked surprising Kimiko to no end.

"Crap Greg," Kimiko swore turning in her seat to glare at where the lengthy junior was leaning against her doorframe, "you scared me."

"Language Kimiko," Greg scolded coming in to sit on her bed, effectively trapping her against in her desk, wedged into the corner of the room behind her bed. It wasn't the most convenient set up for Kimiko but the way the room was arranged allowed for amble floor space.

"Yeah, yeah," Kimiko said rolling her eyes and pausing her game and then looked back at him. "What's up?"

"Just stopped by to say hi," Greg shrugged and Kimiko shrugged back. Greg seemed prone to doing that, it never really bothered her. He'd been teaching Lindsey, also a friend through nursing, chess in the evenings and Kimiko had played him a few times, always being beaten soundly. "You going to go to the dance this weekend?" Greg asked seemingly out of the blue.

"Yup," Kimiko answered without much vigor.

"With anyone?" Greg asked and Kimiko, being as dense as she was about this sort thing, answered innocently again.

"Just with a bunch of friends," Kimiko said looking at her computer as a message appeared on the screen. It was nothing important so she turned back to Greg. "What about you? Got a hot date?" she asked jokingly realizing later how much of a flirt she must have sounded like.

"Well that depends," Greg said with a grin that Kimiko found somewhat odd for no apparent reason. "Are you going with me?" Kimiko didn't immediately catch on.

"Huh?"

"Would you go to the dance with me?" Greg repeated. Kimiko felt her face heat, unaccustomed to dealing with such things.

"Umm I," she struggled for an answer and came up with what must have been the worst possible one by the way Greg's face feel. "You mean as friends?" she asked. "Like you want to hang out with me and my friends?"

"Sure, that's good too," Greg said trying to keep a plain face and Kimiko could tell.

"Ok then," Kimiko said suddenly nervous and awkward.

"Well, I'll let you get back to your work," Greg said with a joking smile that Kimiko weakly returned. "We'll talk later about plans for the dance, sound good?"

"Sure," Kimiko managed out and felt a huge relief sweep over her once he'd left. She waited until she was sure that Greg had made his was back to the stairs before bolting to her friends' room across the hall.

"I don't really see the problem," Elizabeth said after Kimiko gushed out what had just happened.

"Its just really awkward is all," Kimiko tried to explain.

"But you said you'd go with him as friends didn't you?" Christi, the other girl in the room asked.

"Yeah, but that doesn't make it any less awkward," Kimiko insisted. "Saying I'm going with him in any context paints a certain picture, don't you think?"

"I guess I can see that," Elizabeth agreed.

"If it has you that stressed then just tell him you changed his mind," Christi suggested and Kimiko sent her an 'are you insane look'. "Oh my god Kimiko," Christi laughed. "If it was any of us you'd ridicule us for not doing it ourselves and then do it yourself."

"Does that mean you'll do it for me?" Kimiko asked batting her eyelashes.

"Wuss," Eliz teased and Kimiko looked sour.

"It can't be as bad as you're making it out to be," Christi went on. "I mean its just a dance, how bad could it be?"

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By the end of the night Kimiko had to agree with Christi. She'd been purely mortified when Greg had shown up with a corsage and a single red rose and she didn't think she'd make it through the night but some how she'd managed to. It had been awkward at certain points, like Greg being insistent about slow dancing with her but Greg was popular and often other girls were eager to budge in and Kimiko was more than fine with that. As the night was winding down Kimiko slipped off the dance floor, back into a quiet part of the campus center dining hall where the dance was being held. With a heavy sigh Kimiko sank into a chair, thankful for the lower temperature, the dance floor had been sweltering, and for a little less noise. The base of the DJ still pounded heavily, reverberating into the wooden floor at her feet but it was less intense at this distance. She was heavily considering leaving, thinking that no one, including Greg, would notice he was gone when another body suddenly sat next to him.

Raimundo didn't say anything just gave his usual smile, totally at ease and relaxed as he lounged next to her. Kimiko tried not to stare at him but it was hard not to. In a suit in tie, though the tie was considerable loosened, he was almost unbearably handsome in her eyes and his relaxed atmosphere soaked into her. For many minutes neither said anything before Rai's eyes swept over her.

"You look nice," he observed casually.

"Thanks," Kimiko murmured softly in response.

"Danced out?" he asked.

"I'm pretty beat," Kimiko said propping her elbows on her knees, leaning forward and cupping her chin in her cheeks. "What about you?" she asked glancing over at him.

"Yeah, this isn't really my thing."

"Are you here with Ashley?" Kimiko tried to ask as casually as possible.

"Yeah," Rai answered again and Kimiko saw a smile tug at his lips.

"I don't really know her that well," Kimiko said wondering almost desperately why he wasn't explaining any of this to her, "but I hear she's nice."

"She is," Rai nodded in agreement.

"Where is she?" Kimiko asked.

"Talking with some friends. I saw you slip off so I thought I'd come say hi."

"Oh," was all Kimiko managed as she sat back up. There was another, longer, stretch of silence before Kimiko couldn't take it anymore and stoop, smoothing the purple fabric of her knee length cocktail dress down.

"I guess I'll see you later?" she asked looking back.

"Sure," Rai answered and Kimiko turned away, biting her lip to keep what she thought were ridiculous tears from leaking out of her eyes.

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"Good night?" Lindsey asked with a grin when Kimiko returned to the room later the night of the dance.

"Good enough," Kimiko nodded. Lindsey had only been at the dance for the first hour or so before slipping off to a movie with her boyfriend, neither very into the dance atmosphere.

"So what are all the juicy details?" Lindsey wanted to know.

"Um, a freshman got really drunk and puked in the corner towards the end," Kimiko said as she slipped off her shoes and collected her things for a quick shower. "Other than that it was pretty uneventful."

"What about you and Greg?" Lindsey pressed.

"What about him?" Kimiko asked not liking where this was going. She hadn't planned on sharing that he's awkwardly taken her hand as they left the dance and that Kimiko had practically fled when he tried to kiss her, even if it was just heading for her cheek.

"Well, duh, I want to know what happened. Are you two going to go out again?"

"Lindsey, this wasn't a date," Kimiko insisted but Lindsey didn't seem to buy it.

"Sure it wasn't, he got you flowers!"

"And I told him we were going just as friends."

"No one goes to dances just as friends," Lindsey argued.

"Well I just did," Kimiko said irritably.

"What's your problem?" Lindsey wanted to know.

"I just don't like Greg that way and I'd appreciate it if people would stop pushing me on the matter," Kimiko snapped.

"Whoa, easy," Lindsey cautioned. They'd been friends since early in their freshman year and had been working out well as roommates so the heated exchange; Kimiko wouldn't exactly call it a fight, was even more awkward.

"I just don't get," Kimiko tried to validate, "why everyone is pushing me so hard on this Greg thing." Once news had gotten out that Greg had asked her to the dance most of her friends were annoyingly enthusiastic about the whole thing.

"Its just, Kimiko, we just want you to get out there," Lindsey explained.

"But I don't feel that way about Greg," Kimiko practically pleaded. "I'm just not attracted to him that way." Lindsey looked annoyed.

"Well maybe if you gave him a chance," she suggested but Kimiko was already shaking her head no.

"I'm just not that into dating," Kimiko shrugged, "I've never been very comfortable with the whole thing."

"How do you think you get comfortable? You keep trying," Lindsey said in an exasperated tone.

"Dating is not an essential part of life," Kimiko argued, "it's really not that big of a deal, for me at least."

"Don't you want to get married?" Lindsey blurted out surprised and Kimiko narrowed her eyes.

"And what the hell does dating have to do with marriage?" Kimiko asked and Lindsey sent her a 'you really aren't that stupid' look instead of answering and Kimiko felt her temper slipping from her control. "Dating is not a prerequisite for marriage. If I want to date some I'll do it when I'm damn good and ready to and I'm not going to force myself to go out with someone that I have no attraction for so you and everyone else can just drop the whole thing!" Kimiko yelled not caring that it was well past midnight and she was probably disturbing her neighbors.

"Ok, sorry," Lindsey apologized after Kimiko's outburst was finished. Kimiko mumbled something incoherent before gathering up the remainder of her show supplies and slipping out of the room. Turning the water up to near scalding Kimiko stripped and stepped under the get of water still feeling worked up over Lindsey and her assumptions. Did all her friends think like that? That she was determined to a life of spinsterhood if she didn't put herself out on the market to waste her time with boys she had no interest in? Kimiko knew that when the right man came along she would know, she'd be willing to go through all the awkwardness and potential vulnerability if there as a chance, if she had a strong enough feeling, that he was the was the one. But what if she already had an inkling about who the one was, but didn't have the courage to move forward? Or worse, that person didn't even notice her in that way. Her mind flashed to Raimundo and before she could help she promptly started crying. What the hell was wrong with her? She'd never felt this torn and awful before. Could she really blame this all on Raimundo breaking her heart without even knowing it two years in a row now? Just how much abuse was she willing to take from him? His friendship just mattered too much for Kimiko to think she would be better off without him in her life. Even if they weren't destined to be romantically linked there was a strong friendship there and Kimiko's rational side was determined not to let her emotional side ruin that. Now only if her heart could comply.

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Thoughts of transferring were once again filling her mind as Kimiko's sophomore year progressed. Luckily it seemed that Greg had finally taken her hints, or maybe had even heard from one of her friends, that she wasn't interest. The awkwardness that followed kept Kimiko out of Raimundo's suite for the remaining weeks of first term and for the start of second term. She had heard though that Ashley had slipped quite nicely into her place. It hurt to think that she was replaced so easily but Clay and Jack assured her, without her even asking, that Ashley certainly hadn't taken her place. Jack all but despised the girl who he said was just too damn…perfect, for lack of a better term. Kimiko thought that was a pretty poor reason not to like someone but Jack didn't seem to care.

"Its just weird you know," he tried to explain to Kimiko one day. "They're too much a like. I never thought Rai would go for a girl like that." Jack's statement wasn't completely true. While Raimundo and Ashley shared a plethora of the same views, opinions, and interests Ashley was much of the 'indoorsy' type. To Raimundo the ocean was all about the water and the fun to be had in it while Ashley only saw it as a good spot to tan. She only worked out to hold her figure, not for the fun of a sport, and would only watch a sporting event on TV because it meant she could curl up to Raimundo and Clay relayed that more times than not before even the first part of a game had passed Ashley would have convinced Raimundo to watch something else either in his bedroom or hers.

"Its kinda hard to enjoy the game when she is trying to talk to Raimundo about something else," Clay said gruffly one day.

"I'd talk to you guys all the time when I was up in the suite," Kimiko reminded him.

"Yeah, but about the game, or at least something related to it," Clay argued.

"But she makes him happy right?" Kimiko asked.

"Yeah," Clay reluctantly agreed, "she does for some odd reason or another."

"What do you mean some odd reason?" Kimiko asked confused. "They're damn near perfect together."

"If you like that sort of thing," Jack had added in while the three met for lunch, Raimundo and Greg notably absent.

"When are you going to start watching tv with us?" Clay asked. "Its almost time for the semi-finals and the Sabres are actually looking good this year."

"I've just been swamped with work lately," Kimiko lied though it wasn't a complete lie. She did have a full schedule, dance club, the newspaper, and work at the coffee stand but she could also easily make time to come watch a game or two. Lindsey and her other girl friends didn't get her fascination with sports and Kimiko could only think that it had been a bonding experience with her father when she was younger.

"Just make sure you do," Clay reminded her.

"Sure thing Clay," Kimiko smiled.

The rest of the year passed in a blur and before Kimiko knew it she was packing up as another year passed, the secret thoughts of transfer still heavy in her mind. Her parents had planned to move from her childhood home this summer to a new city nearly half way across the country and Kimiko was debating about transferring to remain close to home. If she stayed her commute home would change from a two hour drive north to a two hour drive to the nearest airport followed by a close to four hour plane ride. Her friends promised to be supportive no matter the issue but they obviously wanted her to remain and finish out school with them. Again, Kimiko was at a crossroads and though she longed to ask Raimundo his opinion she didn't dare ask. Instead, she packed up her room, loaded everything into the car and once again left without certainty of returning and without saying goodbye.

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So there goes sophomore year. The song used at the start was "Someone Else" by the amazing band The Scarlet Ending. I knew the twins who make up the band growing up, they were a year behind me and we went to the same church. Two of the nicest and most talented people you'd ever want to meet. Their music can be found on itunes and on their myspace and website. However, the song used has yet to appear anywhere. I have it off of a CD from high school from one of the battle of the band concerts.

I don't have much else to say. I feel that the chapter is pretty self explanatory. Next chapter out tomorrow.


	3. Insensitive

"_How do you cool your lips, after a summer's kiss_

_How do you rid the sweat after the body bliss_

_How do you turn your eyes from a romantic glare_

_How do you block the sound of a voice you'd know anywhere_

_Oh I really should have known by the time you drove me home_

_By the vagueness in your eyes_

_Your casual goodbyes_

_By the chill in your embrace_

_The expression on your face that told me_

_Maybe you might have so advice to give_

_On how to be insensitive_

_How do numb your skin after the warmest touch_

_How do you slow your blood after the body rush_

_How do you free your soul after you've found a friend_

_How do you teach your heart it's a crime to fall in love again_

_Oh you probably won't remember me, its probably ancient history_

_I'm one of the chosen few who went ahead and fell for you_

_I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch, I fell too fast, I feel too much_

_I thought that you might have some advice to give_

_On how to be insensitive"_

_-Jane Arden 'Insensitive'_

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"Nice set up," a voice from behind Kimiko commented and with an involuntary squeal Kimiko jumped in surprise, loosing her weak balance on her chair as it went over. She should have gone over, hard, slamming down onto the wooden floors of Robin's Hall but she didn't. Instead she was caught, somewhat awkwardly, a one hand managing to hook under only one knee, the other fitting comfortably around her shoulders, Kimiko's big toe being the only part of her to hit the floor. For a moment Kimiko stood still, too mortified to move before she regained her composure and tried to get at least somewhat gracefully to her feet. With a small chuckle Raimundo let her go and she looked perturbed him.

"No laughing," she commanded harshly. "I could have broken my neck."

"But you didn't," Raimundo grinned back, "thanks to me."

"You were the cause of it!" Kimiko growled back trying to save some face.

"Ok, ok, lets start over," Raimundo suggested. "Hello Kimiko, nice set up. Its good to see you again, did you have a nice summer?" he said each word slowly, almost mechanically as he teased her some more. Kimiko rolled her eyes.

"Jerk," she muttered and then regarded him kindly and gave him a hug. "Good to see you Rai. Yes my summer was good, stressful with the move but still good, and thank you. I'm quiet happy with how the room turned out." Because she was just that lucky the room selection gods had smiled kindly on her again and she'd scored one of the nicest rooms on campus. It had been empty until her number rolled around because most students believed that it was haunted and it had taken a fair amount of coaxing to get two other girls to go in on it with her and take the adjoining double. The lure of the private bathroom seemed to be enough to convince them and Kimiko had scored a gorgeous large single on the fourth and top floor of Robin's Hall. The building was as old as the school and each room came with a fireplace, large windows, and impressive architecture. The only down side was that, according to a large grant left by an alumni benefactor, the dorm must remain girls only.

"Were you having trouble hanging that sign?" Raimundo asked pointing to the lopsided mess Kimiko as trying to hang.

"Yeah, but it's hard on these walls with all the slants," Kimiko lamented. Rai shrugged, picked up the sign, righted the chair before standing on it, and managed to hang it without further ado. "Show off," Kimiko muttered darkly and Rai gave her a winning smile that Kimiko made herself shut off. She was determined not to let her crush take root again this year.

"So I heard a nasty rumor," Raimundo told her and Kimiko grimaced.

"Does it have to do with the fountain?" Kimiko asked recalling the disturbing rumor she'd heard about a group of incoming freshman from friends who'd helped at the orientation.

"No, though I've heard that and it is very disturbing," Rai told her. "Actually it has to do with you."

"Oh?" Kimiko asked surprised. She never did much that would warrant any sort of rumors running rampant, despite the fact that the school was swirling vortex of constant gossip, so she was honestly curious as to what Raimundo had heard.

"I heard you thought about transferring again," he said catching her eyes and looking extremely serious. Kimiko shifted nervously under his gaze.

"Well with my parents moving it was definitely something I considered," Kimiko admitted.

"But you came back," Rai observed and Kimiko shrugged turning back to finish unloading the box that contained her desk supplies.

"Yup, the paperwork to transfer was daunting," Kimiko said in an exaggerated manner.

"Please tell me there were other reasons for staying," Rai said and the squeak of her mattress told Kimiko that he'd settled on the bed.

"There were other reasons," Kimiko agreed not turning back. There was a stretch of silence so Kimiko decided to be diplomatic. "How's Ashley? You two have a good summer?"

"Yeah, we visited each other a couple of times, so it was good," Rai answered and Kimiko nodded.

"Good," Kimiko replied monotone.

"This is the first year we haven't lived in the same dorm," Raimundo observed.

"Yeah but Robins and Johnson Hall are connected by the joined staircase so technically we're still in the same building," Kimiko said with a smile as she looked over her shoulder.

"Technically," Raimundo agreed followed by a pause as Kimiko turned her attention back to the desk. "You look good by the way," he observed out of thin air. Kimiko looked back over her shoulder at him oddly.

"Um, thanks?" she ventured.

"It was supposed to be a compliment," Rai told her dully, almost sullenly, under her questioning glance.

"I know, it was just kinda, random," Kimiko explained and turned back to her desk.

"You working at the coffee stand again this year?" Raimundo asked, clearly changing subjects.

"Yeah but they moved it in to the Diamond Room," Kimiko told him. "I guess where they had the stand set up was technically a fire hazard."

"And it took them two years to figure that out?" Rai asked surprised. The stand had originally been set up two years ago in the foyer of the campus center, when Kimiko had started working there. "That's good though, it'll be more like a coffee house now," Rai added.

"Agreed," Kimiko nodded and grinned, "and now I get to watch the big screen while I'm working."

"Must be nice," Rai said dryly but Kimiko could tell he was smiling. Kimiko always worked the early shift because it got her out of bed, moving in the morning, and got paid for doing it. Surprisingly enough the seven am to ten am shift barely saw any customers, students with early morning classes not managing to wander out of bed early enough to make it in for a coffee before class. The regulars that did wander in, like Raimundo, always found their choice drink hot and ready. Kimiko had it down to an exact system after two years of working the morning shift and she didn't doubt her third year would be the same way. You could set your watch by when people would appear bleary eyed for their precious Starbucks and Kimiko found the whole thing very amusing.

"Will I see you in the morning?" Kimiko asked and was pleased when Raimundo nodded.

"I've got a 9:15 class," Rai groaned.

"I'll have your coffee waiting and ready. Grande French Roast with two packets of real sugar and a dash of vanilla flavoring, the flavoring, of course as always, on the house," Kimiko grinned after reciting his order.

"Actually Ashley really got me into lattes this summer," Rai told her and Kimiko fought to keep her face from showing her torrid of emotions at the simple news. "She said the coffee wasn't good for me."

"And espresso, milk, and syrup is?" Kimiko asked.

"Good point," Raimundo said after a pause "Ok then, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays have my old drink ready and on Tuesdays and Thursdays have two Grande green tea lattes with a shot of vanilla flavor in mine ready to go at nine. And keep the vanilla thing to yourself."

"Ok first, when did you start liking green tea? And second why two?" Kimiko asked trying not to sound sharp but barely succeeding.

"Ashley will be with me on those mornings," Rai explained, "and that's what we drink." The way he said 'we drink' made Kimiko wince inwardly.

"Sounds good," Kimiko said meekly as she jammed the last of her new pens into the holder on the desk. "By the way, who'd you end up rooming with this year?" Kimiko asked.

"Me and Clay are sharing a room this year with Ryan and someone he knows from his pre-med classes," Rai answered.

"What happened to Greg and Jack?" Kimiko dared to ask. "Last I heard you four were all planning to live together again."

"Yeah well turns out Jack can't stand Greg and vice versa," Rai told her. "I'm not exactly friends with Greg either at the moment."

"Oh?" Kimiko said innocently as she pulled the desk chair out and sat in it. Her heart was racing and she half expected him to say it had to do with her.

"Yeah, he and Jack got yelling at each other one day and Greg went right wing conservative on Jack," Rai grimaced, "needless to say nobody was too happy about that."

"I can imagine," Kimiko agreed. Greg might not be her favorite person in the world, having resumed his annoying and uncomfortable flirtation for a time around Valentines' Day, but she didn't think he was prejudice like that. She was also upset with herself that she was slightly upset that the split had nothing to do with her, but a girl could dream she supposed.

"Yeah," Rai went on, "so Jack is going to try being an RA over in a freshman dorm this year and Ryan and his buddy wanted out of Towers so it worked out well that way."

"Well if it all worked out in the end," Kimiko shrugged.

"And you wanna hear some even better news?" Rai asked with a conspiratorial grin that Kimiko returned.

"Ok, I'll bite, what's even better news?"

"Ryan's friend brought a huge TV with an awesome sound system so game night is gong to be even better this year." Kimiko blinked, caught off guard and then laughed.

"Simple pleasure for simple minds huh?" she asked propping an elbow on the back of the chair cradling her chin in her hand.

"Don't try to play all cool and not be excited," Rai accused.

"Wouldn't dream of it," Kimiko said in an exaggerated tone and gave her eyes a visible roll.

"We're christening the new tv tomorrow with the Red Socks game," Rai informed her. "Bring chips."

"When are you going to stop rooting for the loser team and start cheering for some real winners," Kimiko asked with a grin.

"Last I checked my team had broken their curse while yours has barely made it to the play offs," Rai reminded her.

"The Cubs are cursed by a vengeful goat, that's heavy stuff. The Red Socks were cursed by a fat alcoholic. My guess is he just gave up and that's the only reason why the Red Socks finally won another series," Kimiko argued and was surprised when Raimundo gave a heavy sigh and fell back on her pillows. "What?" Kimiko asked.

"Once you learn how to cook you're going to make some man very happy one day," he said off the cuff and it floored Kimiko but she managed to quickly recover.

"The feminist in me wants to know why I need to learn to cook?" Kimiko asked dryly and Raimundo sat up dramatically.

"Cause then you'll be the perfect woman," he explained in a condescending tone as if he were talking to a misbehaving five year old. He held up his fingers and ticked the points off as he continued. "You're into every form of sports," he said and Kimiko interrupted.

"Wrong," she countered, "I can't stand the NBA."

"But you like college ball and everyone knows that's the only one that really matters," Rai answered quickly and Kimiko gave a slight nod of agreement.

"You take alcohol better than anyone I know," he said holding up a second finger.

"Mother will be so proud," Kimiko said sarcastically but Raimundo went on like he didn't hear her.

"You clean up nice, aren't high maintenance, you hate to shop, and as soon as you learn to cook you will be the all around perfect woman." Kimiko looked at him oddly.

"I'm not sure if I'm offended or not."

"It wasn't supposed to be offensive," Rai told her almost solemnly.

"And you're totally judging the 'perfect' woman on bias criteria," Kimiko told him. "You and every other guy out there, no matter how much you deny it, really want something pretty and submissive that cooks and cleans for you. You don't want a pal."  
"Ok, then you need to learn to clean also and then you'll be the perfect woman," Rai amended.

"This is possibly the oddest, and also probably the most uncomfortable conversation we've ever had," Kimiko observed.

"It was suppose to be a complement," Rai shrugged looking uncomfortable.

"I find that hard to believe," Kimiko said narrowing her eyes.

"Are we fighting?" Raimundo asked with a bit of skeptical laugh.

"Passionately debating," Kimiko suggested and Raimundo laughed again before his phone ringing interrupted. Kimiko raised her eyebrows as she identified the ring tone as a popular 'pop' song that had been out on the radio that summer and certainly wasn't Raimundo's style.

"That's Ashley's ring," Rai explained before answering and Kimiko busied herself with not listening and wasn't aware that Raimundo had hung up until he spoke to her again.

"So I'll see you tomorrow night for the game?" he asked getting up to leave.

"I won't promise but I'll try," Kimiko said though she already knew that she'd most likely be there, come hell or high water. Rai nodded and Kimiko decided to be diplomatic. "Tell Ashley I said hi," she told him as he left and Raimundo smiled back.

"Will do."

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"What's wrong with you?" Ryan asked from her left side.

"The Red Socks are loosing," Kimiko explained, "that always puts me in a bad mood."

"Since when?" Clay asked.

"Since they were playing the Yankees," Kimiko said plainly. "I'm rooting for the lesser or two evils."

"Better not let Raimundo here you saying that," Clay warned with a grin and inwardly Kimiko snorted but didn't let it show on the outside. It wasn't likely that Raimundo would hear since he hadn't been around at all that night. After bugging her into coming he'd bailed. Kimiko knew that she wasn't completely honest with herself and tried not to get into a foul mood but was quickly loosing the fight. She saw Ryan consider her out of the corner of her mind but turned her attention back to the television. Raimundo hadn't been lying; it was nice piece of equipment and certainly not meant to be in a college dorm room. The boys never really got too crazy but of course as the saying goes 'boys will be boys' and things sometimes did get out of hand. Kimiko gave it until fall break before something happened to the TV, two weeks before a speaker accidental got kicked in.

"If you're in a pissy mood go do something else," Ryan suggested sounding irritable.

"Maybe I will," Kimiko snapped back.

"Wow, cat fight," a new voice added to the mix and Kimiko turned her glare on Raimundo.

"How nice of you to show up," she snapped at him.

"Yikes," Rai said slipping into the room, Ashley in tow. Kimiko's expression softened unwillingly at that.

"Hey Ashley," Kimiko greeted sounding considerably sweeter.

"Hey Kimiko," Ashley answered back sounding as nice as ever and Kimiko found herself hard pressed to dislike her. She was all around a nice person and hadn't given Kimiko any reason to dislike her outside of Kimiko's own stupid and unjustified jealousy. "Heard you moved this summer," she commented. Kimiko nodded her head.

"Yeah, down to Florida, my dad got transferred," Kimiko explained and Raimundo suddenly cut in.

"How come you're nice to her?" he asked and Kimiko opened her mouth to answer but Ashley cut her off.

"Cause I'm not a rude oaf like you are," she told him with a teasing push. The whole scene made Kimiko's stomach clench uneasily but she smiled politely at the two who were in their own little world before turning back to the game. Ashley and Raimundo disappeared into his room and although the door remained open Kimiko couldn't banish what were to her, unhappy images.

"I'm whipped," Kimiko announced as she stood. "I'll see you guys later."

"Goodnight," was the chorused response and Kimiko walked out. Outside the door though she slowed her step, waiting, maybe hoping that by some chance some one, anyone, might follow her out and ask her to stay but no one came and soon Kimiko was back in her own room, fitting the hollow pit in her stomach that this year wasn't going to be a good one.

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Her feeling was right. By the end of September Kimiko's world seemed to begin to crumble around her. Her class load was heavy with upper level literature and history courses she needed to graduate but Kimiko couldn't seem to get motivated to get anything done past the bare minimum. Her friends were busy as well, most of them cramming in the required internship hours and making Kimiko feel guilty that she hadn't set her own up. Again, she had no motivation. The pickings for an internship as a lit/history double major were thin and Kimiko just knew that she was going to end up as someone's research assistant and that thought was as far from appealing as she could get. Work at the coffee stand was barely bearable because of new rules set in place that Kimiko ignored most of the time since her main boss, and the enforcer of the ridiculous rules, didn't come in until after Kimiko's shift was over. But apparently someone had reported her reluctance to follow the new annoying rules so her boss had started showing up unrepentantly.

And Raimundo had stopped coming in for coffee all together, at least when she worked, meaning their morning meetings and talks, a staple pretty much for the last two years, were gone. Kimiko didn't have it in her to approach him about it. Not wanting to create a problem or situation where there didn't need to be. He and Ashley were spending what Kimiko considered an obscene amount of time together and Kimiko barely Raimundo without the dark haired beauty by his side. She knew that Ashley, although their year, was graduating a year early and Kimiko hated to think that she was looking forward to a senior year without the girl around every waking moment.

The first semester was swept away into an early winter and the time passed by uneventfully which Kimiko figured was better than any undo drama. Winter Holidays came and went and at the start of the second semester Keiko was gone on a half year internship and Kimiko missed her desperately, worried that she and her freshman roommate might be growing apart. But her other freshman year roommates were still there to help pass the long wintry days that seemed unrelenting. When spring finally started to emerge there was a heavy wave of change in the air. Clay would be graduating come June and Kimiko knew she was going to miss him, a lot. She'd grown close to the cowboy over the two years they'd known one another and Kimiko found that she spent more time with him than she did Raimundo these days. Kimiko had stopped showing up at the suite expecting to see him. Instead she'd come and watch the amazingly still intact TV and hang out with Ryan, Clay, and Jack who practically lived in the suite's common room. It seemed the eccentric redhead was not made for the life of a resident assistant and had left the position at the end of the first semester, moving in with one of the exchange students who barely spoke English and didn't seem interested in befriending Jack, or anyone for that matter.

The second semester came and went uneventfully and as the third term began Kimiko finally started to feel a bit more like herself and not so helplessly lost and alone though she was surrounded and clearly loved by her friends. But as the last six weeks of the school year began fate decided to make up for lost time. In one week two friends were in separate car crashes that both had luckily walked away from unharmed but the experience was enough to frighten anyone. Next there were a few heart pounding days when it appeared that Clay wasn't going to get to graduate but luckily the mess was sorted out in time. So when Kimiko got a message from Lindsey, her friend of the past three years and roommate sophomore year, asking her to get to her room as soon as possible Kimiko was reasonably concerned. But when she got to the room Lindsey was fully intact and unharmed as she showed off her new engagement ring. Kimiko had of course been happy but the engagement had sent up red flags in her mind at her stunning lack of any movement in the direction of adulthood and the next day she set up an internship at the newspaper in her old home town, deciding to buckle and do the standard newspaper internship that seemed so common amongst her fellow lit majors.

That had Kimiko feeling pretty good about herself but it wasn't enough to prepare her for what was about to come.

The worst part about it was that she'd had to find out through the grapevine. He hadn't come to her, told her, even hinted at it and Kimiko suddenly realized how far they'd fallen apart. Kimiko couldn't bring herself to face him when she found out the news. Avoided the places he frequented, the paths he took to get to and from the dorm, and even took to eating meals alone in her room to avoid meeting him in the dining hall. She wanted so much for him to seek her out, explain it all somehow but he never came. Looking back at that time Kimiko realized how horribly foolish she'd been about everything. Torturing herself all these years, keeping false hopes, reading into signs that weren't even there, and refusing to see the writing on the wall until there was nothing left to do but face it.

One evening, during the last remaining days of the semester and her junior year, Kimiko had been shamelessly zoning out in front of her television when the fire alarm had gone off. Kimiko exited the building as robotically as she always did. The alarms went off so often that people paid them virtually no mine, some even daring to stay inside, especially on cold or rainy nights but were always caught and had to do some sort of community service project about fire safety as a result. The early evening hours were nice enough that the dorms were virtually empty anyway as students fought for one of the few BBQ pits on campus so Kimiko joined a small crowd outside once she made it down from the fourth floor. She was considering the merits of heading to the campus center for ice cream when she spotting Raimundo and Ashley a few feet off. Kimiko would have done nothing but the two spotted her and eagerly waved her over. This was the moment Kimiko had been dreading because she still had not real idea of how to approach her handle it.

"Hey Kimiko," Raimundo greeted as if they had talked just hours before and not the weeks that Kimiko calculated.

"Hey guys," Kimiko smiled and then looked over Ashley and gave her an appropriate smile. "So let me see it," Kimiko requested and Ashley beamed and presented her left hand showing off the classic looking engagement ring resting on her fourth finger. "Oh congratulations," Kimiko said after the appropriate 'oohing' and 'ahhing' and then hugged her. Ashley laughed and looked at Raimundo after the hug.

"I got a hug and you didn't," she said in a voice that Kimiko thought was meant to be a teasing one but Kimiko wasn't sure, couldn't read what the comment really was all about. Kimiko was tempted to hug Raimundo hard and kiss him on the cheek just to spite Ashley but kept herself in check.

"Of course not," Kimiko smiled, "that's your job now." There was an awkward bit of silence before Kimiko made her excuses. "I'm going to stop at the campus center and get some ice cream. Either of you interested?"

"I'm all set," Ashley told her and Raimundo parroted Ashley.

"Ok then," Kimiko said, "I guess I'll see you later." Lie, Kimiko thought bitterly. "And congratulations on graduating and this," Kimiko directed the last line at Ashley who smiled brightly and thanked her. Kimiko took her cue and practically fled, feeling a hollow space where she was sure her heart was supposed to be. She'd known for nearly two weeks about Raimundo's proposal to Ashley, just formally being told it now, it was just too much for Kimiko to take.

"I guess this is really it then," Kimiko whispered to herself as she walked to nowhere in particular along the college's paths.

"Why do you look like someone just shot your puppy?" a voice asked her later while Kimiko was still in her wanderings. Spinning around Kimiko glared at Ryan.

"That's a pretty nasty thing to say," Kimiko told him.

"I'm guessing you found out about Raimundo," Ryan ventured.

"You'd have to be deaf, dumb, and blind, to not have known a half an hour after it happened let alone two weeks," Kimiko told him.

"I just didn't know if you knew," Ryan shrugged.

"Yeah I did," Kimiko replied simply.

"How you holding up then?" Ryan asked.

"Fine. Why?" Kimiko asked confused.

"Well," Ryan looked uncomfortable.

"You're kidding me," Kimiko said surprised. "You think I still like him or something?"

"Aren't you?" Ryan asked surprised.

"Is that what people think?" Kimiko asked back.

"I don't know about people," Ryan told her. "But I thought…" he trailed off and shrugged. Kimiko shrugged as well.

"I've been over him for a while," Kimiko said honestly. It was a half truth because she knew a piece of her would always belong to him. "Last year, when he and Ashley started dating, I saw the writing on the wall. They're really good for one another and I'm happy for him."

"I sense a but," Ryan added when Kimiko stopped.

"I just wish that we could have maintained the friendship we once had," Kimiko said wistfully, "but I kinda think it was impossible. Not with him having first Rebecca and then Ashley. That's what I've missed the worst. I got over the crush quickly enough, but the loss of the friendship, that's what has been hitting me hard. I mean, I didn't know, he never told me that he was engaged or even considering it. Freshman year when he started going out with Rebecca he waited to tell me first. This is considerably bigger and I had not indication."

"Really?" Ryan asked surprised.

"You do live with him," Kimiko observed. They'd stop and sat on top of a picnic table and were looking up at the few starts that shown through the street light. "I think you'd know him better than me in that regard. I've barely seen him at all this year even when I was hanging out with you and everyone else."

"I would have thought you heard about the 'shot gun engagement'," Ryan told her with a smile that obviously was containing a laugh.

"The what?" Kimiko asked confused.

"I guess Ashley was pretty keen on getting engaged before she graduated and wasn't afraid to let Raimundo know about her life plans." Kimiko laughed and shook her head.

"No I hadn't heard that," she admitted. "Never figured her to be that forceful. She seems like such a sweet little hometown girl."

"Yes but underneath lurks a beast," Ryan said dramatically.

"Hard to imagine that," Kimiko laughed again.

"I would have thought you couldn't stand her," Ryan observed.

"She makes Raimundo happy," Kimiko shrugged. "I wouldn't be much of a friend if I begrudged him that."

"I'm surprised."

"Why?" Kimiko asked confused. "I just told you I've been over him for a while."

"Well I just thought with her telling him to stay away from you that you wouldn't be as warm to her," Ryan said nonchalantly and Kimiko stiffened.

"What did you just say?" she asked in disbelief.

"About her telling Raimundo not to hang out with you anymore?" Ryan asked and took in Kimiko's stricken face. "Holy crap, you didn't know? What do you live in a box? That rumor was flying for weeks." he said in disbelief.

"She told him to stay away from me?" Kimiko repeated finding it hard to believe.

"That's what the rumor said," Ryan told her. "Rai denied it when Clay asked him about it but I always figured there was at least some truth since you two were like, never together this year. I figured you'd heard and were giving him the cold shoulder or something."

"I just can't believe it," Kimiko shook her head. Could that really be true and why Rai had basically disappeared off her radar? Was it because Ashley told him not to? Or was it all a big coincidence? A misunderstanding or mistake? Kimiko knew she could never ask Raimundo or Ashley about it. She fought the urge shake her head in attempt to clear her mind of all the thoughts running through it.

"What are you thinking?" Ryan asked watching her intently and when she'd look back on the scene later Kimiko would think of how truly blind she was about Ryan.

"What is there to think?" she asked. "It's all over and done with right? Just a part of the past now. If Rai wants to step up and be friends then it's up to him. I'm sick of getting trampled in an attempt to be a nice person and a good friend."

"Good for you," Ryan said with a happy sort of smirk that again Kimiko wasn't sure how she'd missed the true meaning behind it.

"Hell yeah," Kimiko said with a laugh and hoped off the table. "Next year is senior year and it is going to be insanely awesome." She looked back at him. "Thanks Ryan," she said sincerely.

"Yeah, I'm a good sort of shoulder to cry on aren't I?" he asked with a conceded air and Kimiko rolled her eyes.

"Oh yeah the best," Kimiko agreed sarcastically.

"Come on," Ryan said sliding off the bench as well, "lets rally the troops and get amazingly drunk."

"Best damn thing I've heard all day."

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For the first time in four years Kimiko kept her promise to herself and when she saw Raimundo again for the first time senior year she didn't immediately regress. It seemed that she might actually be over the boy she'd once considered her best friend. With Clay gone the suite had broken up and Kimiko found herself spending more and more times with her girlfriends and on surprisingly Ryan who was her best drinking buddy and who seemed to enjoy Kimiko's new carefree attitude more than anyone else. Kimiko had had an epiphany over the summer months as she worked at The Messenger, her old hometown paper. Her happiness was totally reliant on her. She felt like some corny self help guru when she realized it and would drunkenly repeat it to her friends. She wasn't going to lay herself out and hurt herself for others any longer. She knew the important few who mattered and that's all that mattered because she never ended up hurt with these select few.

Kimiko dubbed it her 'who gives a shit' attitude and happily wore it like a badge of honor. Under the umbrella of her new philosophies senior year slipped by at a bittersweet pace. One moment it couldn't be over fast enough and others there wasn't enough time left. And though he'd cross her mind sometimes Kimiko never dwelled on Raimundo and he seemed to be functioning completely fine without her. That was bittersweet as well but something Kimiko easily pushed from her mind. There had been a briefly painful moment when invitations to the summer wedding were mailed out and one never arrived for Kimiko. But she'd let it go as quickly as it came.

The first two semesters passed agonizingly slow at the time but in retrospect Kimiko felt she hadn't done enough. As if it became a tradition Kimiko had considered transferring again. Just a few days after finding out about the Ashley rumor Kimiko had been hit with a hard betrayal at the school newspaper. She'd worked long and hard hours in an attempt to save the paper when editorship was suddenly handed over to her after the reigning senior quit half was through the year. Kimiko had put countless hours of time and energy to save the paper when it seemed doom to shut down. She'd written and edited nonstop, recruited writers, and pulled old articles and revamped them to go in a new 'classics' section that took up left over space each issue. Finally the paper was back on its feet and Kimiko thought she would be a shoe in for the head editor's position again. But she'd become the scapegoat that all past problems were blamed on and instead of being the paper's savior she was viewed as the cause of all the ill happenings. Going along with her 'don't give a crap' attitude Kimiko had just completely walked away from the paper and the weight off her shoulders seemed unbelievable.

So her senior year was one of relative carefree bliss that she spent with friends and on the personal things she loved instead of killing herself for people and things who only demanded more and more until she broke. The two semesters passed in a whirl of parties, good times, and senioritis that seemed to come to a sudden halt and the real world was suddenly a real threat. Resolving to use the upcoming summer to collect her thoughts about the future Kimiko had let it go and enjoyed the senior festivities. Just a handful of weeks before graduation Kimiko found herself lying on the grassy hill above the pond at the epicenter of the campus, a very inebriated Ryan sitting with her. She'd dragged him away from their friends at the bar, deciding that he'd had enough and some fresh air was needed. They'd been sitting in silence when Ryan suddenly rolled onto his stomach and looked at her hard.

"Did I ever tell you were an idiot?" he asked and Kimiko laughed.

"It probably came up on occasion," she told him and dared to ask, "why?"

"And they say guys are dense about this kinda stuff," Ryan gave his head a disgusted shake before attempting to stand. It took him three tries on the wet grass but he managed.

"Where are you going?" Kimiko asked amused. She had a healthy buzz going and could appreciate Ryan's obvious inebriation.

"To bed," he said with a heaving sighed and started to walk off.

"You're going the wrong way," Kimiko called after him once he'd gone a few feet and Ryan stopped abruptly and swore.

"Help a guy out?" he asked and Kimiko laughed and guided him back to his dorm. "I meant what I said," he told her once they were back at the dorm and Ryan was fumbling with his keys.

"What's that?" Kimiko asked.

"That you're stupid and dense," Ryan said finally managing to get his keys in the door and stumbled into his two man room, his roommate, the same as last year, was passed out in his own bed.

"I don't have to tuck you in do I?" Kimiko asked jokingly ignoring his earlier comments.

"Wanna get tucked in with me?" he asked with a drunken grin and Kimiko was stunned for a good ten seconds before she burst out laughing.

"That's gotta be the worst pickup line I've ever heard!" she laughed loudly not caring if she disturbed anyone. "Go to bed Ryan, you're trashed."

"That's a no then?" he asked as Kimiko began to shut the door.

"Goodnight Ryan," she called out and didn't think anymore on it, for that night at least.

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"I was really bad the other night wasn't I?" Ryan asked a few days later. It was the last official day of the school year and senior week unofficially started that night with a champagne toast at the statue of the school's founder.

"Which one?" Kimiko asked teasingly.

"That night we were at the pond," Ryan reminded her and Kimiko remembered.

"Yeah, you were pretty damn trashed," Kimiko admitted with a grin from across the table. They'd been eating with friends before but they'd all finished and left to run to the liquor store to by a few more bottle of cheap champagne.

"Did I say anything?" he dared to ask and Kimiko thought on it.

"Actually yeah, you kept saying I was dense and stupid and that even guys weren't as oblivious about that kinda stuff or something like that," Kimiko shrugged and then laughed as she remembered the last part of the night. "And then you whipped out the worst pickup line I'd ever heard. I asked if you needed to get tucked in and you asked if I wanted to get tucked in with you or something like that. Never knew you were such a ladies man," Kimiko teased but Ryan sighed.

"I was worried about that," he said pushing his tray of half eaten food away from him. "I guess I should explain."

"What's to explain?" Kimiko asked.

"What I said that night," Ryan told her.

"I'll forgive you for the poor pick up line if that's what you want," Kimiko told him confused.

"I'm more concerned about the dense things."

"Than I'll forgive you for that too," Kimik said wondering what the hell this was all about.

"I want to explain," Ryan insisted.

"What's to," Kimiko started to ask but Ryan forcibly interrupted.

"Just let me explain Kimiko," he said loudly enough for a few heads to turn and look over at him with interest. "Come on," he decided, "we'll talk in my room."

"Is everything ok Ryan?" Kimiko asked following him out but Ryan didn't say anything outside of an inaudible mumble. When they were back in his room Kimiko sat at his desk chair and waited. "Well?" she asked when he made no sound from where he sat on his bed.

"You still don't get it do you?" he asked with a bit of disbelief and wonder at the disbelief.

"Now you're just starting to piss me off," Kimiko told him in an annoyed tone.

"Ok, I'm being serious now so no laughing," he told her and Kimiko gave a slow nod with speculative eyes. "You are hot," he said deadpan and Kimiko had to fight a laugh despite his warning. "You have been since freshman year."

"Um thanks?" Kimiko replied and gave a nervous laugh unsure of what else to say.

"You had no idea how many guys would gave jumped you if you gave any indication that you weren't any less infatuated with Raimundo," Ryan told her and Kimiko physically flinched.

"What is this all about?" Kimiko asked.

"You didn't get it then and you don't get it now," Ryan said with a shake of his head. "You really are a piece of work."

"Ok, this is enough of this," Kimiko said standing with a huff.

"I'm not finished yet," Ryan said standing when she moved to leave.

"And I can't wait to hear more about how hopeless I am," Kimiko snapped.

"You aren't making this easy," Ryan said moving closer to her.

"Making what easy?" Kimiko snapped, her temper and temperature rising. "You insulting me?"

"No," Ryan said slowly. He was close now, somewhat uncomfortably close but she was trapped between him and the desk. "Admitting that I liked you back then," Ryan finally told her and Kimiko was stunned, "and admitting that I like you again."

"Are, are you messing with me?" Kimiko asked seriously and Ryan shook his head.

"I got sick of watching you hopelessly wasting yourself on Raimundo. But last year when you told me you were over him I wasn't sure if I believed you and this year I've been watching and I'm certain I believe you."

"Ryan," Kimiko swallowed hard, "I'm not really sure. I mean where is all this coming from?"

"End of the year, end of school," Ryan shrugged and finally stepped back. "I didn't want to let it get by me without telling you. I'm not expecting you to respond or reciprocate or anything. I just thought you should know. You've had blinders on for most of your time at school. Didn't see that there were other guys out there that would have jumped at the chance if they didn't think you were still hung up on Raimundo."

"Why are you telling me this," Kimiko whispered. "What good does it do me now? You're just brining up irrelevant things that are just hurting me, not helping me. You've basically told me that I've wasted three of the past four years of my life and you expect me to smile and thank you for this?"

"It's for my benefit too," Ryan told her.

"I need to go," Kimiko said in a rush and moved to the door.

"Kimiko, like I said before," he reminded her before she left. "No expectations, just thought you should know." Kimiko didn't' say anything as she left. She just kept wondering what in the hell was up with Ryan for telling her that.

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She got her answered later that night when he drunkenly kissed her before apologizing and running off. The next day, though hung over, a sober Ryan apologized for everything and Kimiko had forgiven him of course. Friendship with Ryan was one thing, romance was another and Ryan seemed to think the same way and after the graduation they parted as friends. His words had hit home though and throughout the summer she'd wondered about Raimundo and the time she'd spent with her heart fixated on him. Was it a waste? Could anyone ever call that a waste? The questions haunted her, adding memories and a rebirth of emotions to the mix as his end of the summer wedding drew closer and closer. She'd never even said goodbye after graduation and she regretted it so deeply that it was a dull ache in her chest. Would she ever get to see him again? And had she been right that last year to stop trying at their friendship?

There were so many unanswered questions that Kimiko figured would always remain unanswered. Raimundo's wedding was just forty eight hours from now and after that it would all be said and done and Raimundo would officially be out of his life. If Ashley, as his girlfriend, hadn't wanted Kimiko in Raimundo's life Kimiko didn't imagine it changing when she was his wife. She must have subconsciously picked this weekend to visit Keiko knowing that it would be hard to handle without a sympathetic shoulder. But now that shoulder was gone on a business trip, one of the many not so enjoyable parts of the real world, and Kimiko was left alone with her thoughts and the unfortunate bittersweet memories that circulated in her mind.

The ding of the microwave timer completely brought her out of her melancholy reprieve and after a glance inside Kimiko set the timer for another minute and a half, thinking that it needed just a little more time to be perfectly popped. She hadn't been lying to Keiko before. There was plenty to do in her told hometown, maybe she would even swing by her old high school, but Kimiko was wondering if she'd ever have the motivation to leave the apartment. It was oh so tempting just to get lost in a good book or a sappy movie. As she considered her options Kimiko was startled by a knock on the apartment door. She certainly wasn't expecting anyone and Keiko hadn't mentioned anything. For a moment Kimiko's hopes flared that her best friend hadn't been forced on the trip and returned to surprise her rather than call for a ride. But since that was unlikely, as much as Kimiko hated to admit it, Kimiko decided to make sure there was no knife wielding manic on the other side before opening up. Rising on her toes Kimiko put her eye to the peephole and for a startling moment thought that maybe she was going crazy. Hurriedly pulling the door open to confirm she was delusional Kimiko was met with a frightening reality as she took in the man on the doorstep.

"Raimundo?"

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So there goes junior and senior year.

Only one real thing to say I guess and that's to clarify something that Kimiko/Me said at the end of junior year, about being over the crush. That was true. I kinda had an epiphany at that moment, realizing I was over him in the romantic sense, but at the same time you never really get over your first love- god I'm corny aren't I?

Just want to remind people that this is a true story, converted to fanfiction form. I know that's a contradiction but it's the best way I can explain it. I'm making these characters act out as I did.

New chapter out tomorrow, hopefully. That should be the conclusion so keep your eyes peeled. Thank you to those who are reading and reviewing this. It certainly isn't my most popular work but is very dear to me none the less.


	4. The Power of Goodbye

"_Your heart is not open so I must go_

_The spell has been broken_

_I loved you so_

_Freedom comes when you learn to let go_

_Creation comes when you learn to say no_

_You were my lesson I had to learn_

_I was your fortress you had to burn_

_Pain is the warning that something's wrong_

_I pray to God that it won't be long_

_Do you wanna go higher_

_There's nothing left to try_

_There's no place left to hide_

_There's no greater power than the power of goodbye_

_Your heart is not open so I must go_

_Spell has been broken_

_I loved you so_

_You were my lesson I had to learn_

_I was your fortress_

_There's nothing left to lose_

_There's no more heart to bruise_

_There's no greater power than the power of goodbye_

_Learn to say goodbye_

_I yearn to say goodbye_

_There's nothing left to try_

_There's no place left to hide_

_There's no greater power than the power of goodbye_

_There's nothing left to lose_

_There's no more heart to bruise_

_There's no greater power than the power of goodbye…"_

_-Madonna 'The Power of Goodbye'_

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Raimundo mutely and neutrally stared back at her as she gapped openly at him. It was unreal. Some sort of dream. But then his voice filtered into her ears and Kimiko knew that he was really there, or at least she hoped so, otherwise she was coming up with some impressive hallucinations that probably required a stay in the psych ward.

"Hey Kimiko," Rai said in an uncharacteristically small voice and Kimko physically shook her head to try and get it straight.

"Holy Fuck," were the only word she could manage to come up with. "Raimundo? What are you doing here?"

"I," Rai started to say and then started over. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure, I guess," Kimiko said still thoroughly dazed as she stepped aside to let him in before closing the door and followed Raimundo back into the apartment, stopping at the spot where a tiled island officially separated the kitchen and living room. Kimiko moved around him, putting the island between them as she turned off the urgently beeping microwave and ignored the popcorn she'd made. Instead she turned to him and continued her analyzing stare. Raimundo was looking at her, his eyes considering her deeply as well and Kimiko found that quiet rude considering he had no right to be analyzing her-right?

"So," Kimiko managed to choke out.

"So," Rai repeated with an added sigh that Kimiko marveled at.

"What are you doing here Raimundo?" she asked the obvious question again. "Not that it isn't great to see you, but…what are you doing here?" Raimundo didn't answer and instead pulled out a stool from under the ledge of the counter and sat on it, resting his elbows on the countertop. When he was settled Kimiko pressed him again.

"What's going on Rai? Is everything ok?"

"I had to see you," he muttered and the admission nearly bowled Kimiko over, she even had to take a steadying step back. Raimundo was the only one whose words affected her so. She looked at him questioningly again and Raimundo gave an impossibly heavy sigh before swearing under his breath. "This was a mistake," he concluded as he stood and looked like he was about to leave.

"What?" Kimiko asked sharply in surprise.

"I need to go," he said not looking back at her Kimiko stood rooted in the spot until anger made her move.

"What the hell is this all about Raimundo?" she yelled after him, moving out of the kitchen as he moved toward the apartment's door. "This isn't fair!" she added when he kept moving. "You've got me beyond freaked out right now. What is the matter? What the hell is wrong with you?" Raimundo stopped when he reached the door and spun back to stare at her.

"This was a big fucking mistake, ok? Coming here was a mistake. I don't even know why," he trailed off as he turned back to the door.

"Why did you come?" Kimiko called back. "You said you needed to see me? Why?" When he opened the door to step out Kimiko increased her pitch. "We haven't spoken in a year and then you show up here." She broke off and her eyes widened. "How did you even know I was here?" she asked in a lower voice. "I don't live here anymore, so how did you know where I'd be? How did you know about Keiko's apartment?" The questions, though softer in tone, still reached Raimundo and he paused and suddenly Kimiko didn't want to know his reasons for being there. It seemed like too much for her to take in at the moment. Her heart clenched uncomfortably and she didn't know if she was happy or not when he came back in the apartment.

"I, I asked some people for your information," he explained dully as he walked back into the apartment.

"I find it hard to believe that you didn't have my info," Kimiko swallowed hard. "My cell phone number hasn't changed." And Kimiko suddenly guessed that her number hadn't been in his phone for a while now. She didn't say anything, just looked away. "That still doesn't explain how you knew I was here."

"Someone told me you were visiting Keiko this weekend," Raimundo explained and came to stand next to the kitchen island again.

"Well," Kimiko said after more silence followed his last comment, "what do you need? What can I do for you?" Raimundo didn't answer immediately and Kimiko squirmed under his eyes.

"I needed to see you, to talk to you," Raimundo finally admitted again. "I had to," he trailed off as he struggled with the words. Kimiko let him, not moving an inch, just waiting for him to explain somehow. For Kimiko it felt like an eternity before he finally spoke again. "This is going to sound so stupid," he lamented and Kimiko remained silent, trying to wait as patiently as possibly but the heavy tension in the room was almost unbearable. "I need," he trailed off again and Kimiko foolishly tried to joke.

"We've established that you need something," Kimiko said in a lighter voice that Raimundo didn't respond to. "Sorry," she muttered realizing her mistake. Raimundo shook his head and looked at the floor as he began to speak again.

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

"I guess it depends on the favor," Kimiko responded.

"Its, I'm getting married in a few days," Rai sputtered.

"I know," Kimiko nodded, her eyes focusing on everything except for him.

"I need you tell me its right," he blurted out and Kimiko's eyes flew back to him.

"What?" she asked completely shocked. She was surprised she'd even been able to form words.

"Tell me that its all right, that its right," Rai repeated.

"I don't, I don't understand what you want," Kimiko admitted, her mind slowly trying to process his words. "You want my approval for getting married?" she asked not believing the words coming out of her mouth.

"Yeah, something like that," Rai conceded and finally looked at her. Kimiko stared unforgivably back at him. She felt her lips moving, trying to form words but her mind wouldn't comply. Rai waited, watching her intently as she struggled, his intense eyes not helping her any.

"I can't say that Rai," she finally managed out trying to keep some composer and felt a bit of hysteria creeping into her mind, one of the few times in her life that she was loosing carefully collected self control. "It's not my place to say that," she continued on, "and it's not right for you to ask me to."

"Please Kimiko," Rai pleaded.

"It's not my place Rai, if you're having doubts then talk to Ashley or someone else about them. I can't," she started to say but Raimundo cut her off.

"They aren't doubts," he argued back, his voice rising in volume.

"Doubts are perfectly normal Rai," Kimiko went on, "you're marrying young, it's a big step."

"They aren't doubts," Rai insisted again, his voice more of a bark than a shout.

"Then I don't understand at all," Kimiko snapped back, her voice rising as well.

"For the love of God Kimiko," Rai yelled.

"Don't yell at me!" Kimiko yelled back.

"I'm not yelling at you," Rai argued, his voice just as loud as before. Kimiko huffed.

"I refuse to argue with you about if you're yelling or not," Kimiko said folding her arms across her chest. "Now tell me what is really going on."

"I already told you."

"A person doesn't drive, what is it? Four, five hours, to ask for someone's approval," Kimiko insisted.

"It isn't approval," Rai said smacking a palm on the tiled island, the noise echoing through the apartment. "I just want to here you say that this is right. I know it is, I want to hear it from you."

"You realize that makes no sense right?" Kimiko asked.

"I want, I want," Rai struggled and sighed, "I want my best friend's support."

"You did not just honestly say that to me," Kimiko practically gasped in shock once the words sunk in. Raimundo looked at her oddly.

"What?"

"You just called me your best friend," Kimiko repeated, anger brewing quickly in her. "We haven't talked, really talked in over a year. You practically shut me out of your life and then you show up and ask for your best friend's help? Well I hate to be cruel Raimundo but if you're looking for that you're in the wrong place." The words were harsh but in Kimiko's eyes completely true.

"This was a mistake," he repeated for the third time in the short space he'd been there.

"Why? Because you didn't get your way?" Kimiko asked sharply. "Do you deny it? That you dropped out of my life? It was the same way with Ashley as it was with Rebecca. Once you had a girlfriend you had no need for me," the words were rushing out of Kimiko, pent up feelings and emotions finally having real release and she couldn't stop herself. "I got sick of trying Raimundo. There is no such thing as a one sided friendship and you didn't even make an effort. So don't show up calling me your best friend just because you want something from me."

Once Kimiko said her piece she tried hard to get her heart rate and breathing to slow somewhat. Raimundo glared over at her.

"It was never that simple Kimiko," he told her angrily. "Don't put all the blame on me." Kimiko's eyes widened and she felt as if she'd been slapped. She wanted to quickly snap back but she was at such a loss for words that she couldn't even manage something nonsensical. Instead she proceeded to open in close her mouth in shock. Finally she was able to collect herself.

"I think I really misjudged you Raimundo," Kimiko finally said fighting down the urge to cry as the past four years of her life flashed before her eyes and she realized what so many people had said was true- she really had been wasting her time.

"What do you mean by that?" Rai asked his tone accusing.

"Never mind," Kimiko shook her head and unconsciously hugged herself. "You want my approval? My reassurance? You have it; this is the right thing to do. Is that what you wanted?"

"Not like this," Raimundo said and Kimiko noted the desperation in his voice and eyes. They were staring hard at one another when a knock at the door startled both of them. Kimiko looked towards the door and then at Raimundo, as if asking if this was his doing. When Raimundo showed no recognition Kimiko walked to the door and looked out the peek hole, sighing when she recognized the man on the other side. Pulling the door open she was about to ask him to come back later but the man barreled in with an impossible amount of energy and an equally boisterous voice.

"I don't even want to hear it Kimiko!" he said moving into the kitchen, two bags of Chinese food in hand. "I'm here to turn your frown upside down." Kimiko followed back in when the newcomer finally noticed Raimundo as he put his bags on the island. "Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't know you had company." Kimiko sighed and shook her head for what felt like the millionth time that night. Raimundo had moved to the back of the kitchen and was leaning against the skin, obviously sizing up the newcomer.

"Corey, this is a friend of mine from college. Raimundo this is Corey, an old friend of high school," Kimiko explained. Corey immediately moved around the counter and extended a hand and Kimiko knew that Raimundo was in for a surprise. He probably expected a nice firm handshake from be near perfect double of a younger Kiefer Sutherland. However his hand shake could be best compared to that of a willowy lady in waiting of olden days. Corey was about as gay as they came, gave new meaning to the word flamboyant, and was not ashamed at all of hiding it and was currently making eyes at Raimundo who was finally catching on.

"Hello there," Corey said in what Kimiko knew as his flirting voice. Had it been any other situation Kimiko might have started laughing but there was still heavy tension in the air but Corey seemed oblivious.

"Hi," Raimundo said gruffly and pulled his hand back.

"So what are you doing in town?" Corey asked. "Kimiko didn't mention she'd have visitors. I came by to cheer her up since Keiko was gone. Have you met Keiko? She's a doll!"

"Yeah," Rai said monotone.

"Raimundo went to school with me and Keiko," Kimiko explained again as Corey turned at the sound of her voice. His face suddenly lit with recognition.

"Oh," was all he said and then turned back to Raimundo. "Well it was very nice to meet you. I won't intrude any longer, I just wanted to make sure Kimiko was eating so, yeah, help yourselves!" Corey then made a dramatic turn on his heel and headed to the door and Kimiko followed him out of the kitchen.

"Hey, sorry," Kimiko apologized in a whisper.

"No need to apologize," he told her and then gave her a concerned once over. "What's going on? Are things ok? Are you ok? Ok with him I mean?" Corey knew the whole sob story.

"Fine, yeah," Kimiko said clearly distracted. Corey placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Give me a call at some point in time so I know you're alive and if you need anything don't hesitate to call," he told her.

"Thanks a lot Corey," Kimiko said sincerely and Corey gave her shoulder another squeeze before heading out the door.

"Good luck," he added as he walked out. Kimiko wasn't sure how to interpret that but she took her time closing and locking the door, just standing there for a moment, trying to collect herself before turning around. Raimundo was standing at the end of the short hallway, his expression bordering almost on grim. Kimiko pasted on a fake smile.

"Hungry?" she asked moving down the hall quickly and past him. She felt his eyes on her as she grabbed a pair of forks from the drawer along with her unopened soda and a roll of paper towels before grabbing the food and moving into the living room. "I'm starving," Kimiko commented plopping on the couch and began to pull out every container and place it on the coffee table. "Help yourself," she said still not looking at him as he moved into the room. Raimundo still hadn't said anything as he sat, somewhat uncomfortably close in Kimiko's opinion, but made no move to eat. In an attempt to keep her mind moving, at least somewhat, Kimiko grabbed a container of sweet and sour chicken and speared a piece on her fork. "This is the best Chinese food ever," she said in an off hand manner after her first bite.

"Kim," Rai started off but Kimiko interrupted.

"Wanna watch a movie?" she asked still not looking at him. "Or the news is just coming on. I'd like to watch that, and then if you don't have to get back on the road we can watch a movie."

"No Kimiko," Raimundo said and Kimiko caught the action of him shaking his head out of the corner of her eye.

"No you don't have to get going?" Kimiko asked and traded her sweet and sour chicken for low mein.

"No, no movie, we need to talk," Rai insisted.

"About what?" Kimiko asked and finally looked at him. "I thought we'd settled that already."

"Please be serious," Rai asked.

"I am," Kimiko told him in an even voice.

"There is no way you meant what you said before," Rai told her in an accusing tone.

"You seem so sure," Kimiko said with a tiny smirk and turned back to her food.

"I am sure, I know you better than that to believe what you said," Rai insisted.

"Do you?" Kimiko asked sounding amused her eyes on her food.

"You are fucking frustrating," Rai told her and Kimiko couldn't help but laugh then. "Why is this so hard for you to take seriously?" Raimundo asked his eyes narrowing. Kimiko sobered up a bit after another few seconds of laughter.

"Because this is so unreal Raimundo," she told him and looked over at him. "Seriously, it's just crazy. You drop out of my life and then show up on my friend's doorstep, not even my doorstep, and ask me for back up on one of your life choices." She reached out and took a drink of her soda. "You asked for my reassurance Rai," she looked back over at him after her drink, "not my opinion."

"Kimiko," Rai began but Kimiko cut him off.

"What is this really all about Raimundo?" she asked "And don't tell me you want your best friends support or whatever. If you wanted that you would have come by a long time ago. What's going on with you, why are you freaking out so much all of the sudden? I would have thought you were ready for this by now. It's been what? Over a year long engagement?"

"I have a lot of unanswered questions," Rai told her. He shifted on the couch so he was looking straight at her.

"So postpone the wedding, figure things out," Kimiko suggested.

"I don't want to postpone the wedding," Rai said in a tight voice. "It's now or never." Kimiko snorted.

"That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. Marriage shouldn't be like that. You know or you don't when it comes to a person."

"Life, or love has never been that simple," Raimundo argued.

"I guess you're right about that," Kimiko admitted and turner her head away, leaning forward to set her soda back on the table. "Raimundo," she said settling back against the cushions, staring at a spot on the opposite wall, "I can't help you with your insecurities. If you're worried about your wedding you should really be talking to Ashley about this."

"This isn't about Ashley," Raimundo said firmly, "it's about you." Kimiko's head shot around to stare at him. She wasn't sure what her expression was, she didn't know if there was way for a face to convey all that she was feeling.

"What?" she asked in a trembling voice. Raimundo had averted his eyes.

"I," he seemed to be struggling with his words, "I don't want you to be my regret." Kimiko let the words sink in for a moment before standing.

"Get out," she ordered gruffly.

"What?" Raimundo asked surprised, standing as well.

"Get out," Kimiko said trying not to completely lose her temper.

"What? Why?" Rai asked clearly not understanding her anger.

"Go, get out," Kimiko snapped again.

"I," Rai began but Kimiko cut him off.

"You have no right to say that to me," she said sharply. "How dare you put that on me! I refuse to be blamed because you're having second thoughts."

"I'm not blaming you for anything Kimiko," Raimundo insisted.

"Then what the hell are you saying? Cause that's exactly what it sounds like. Don't make me a bad guy Raimundo. I have done nothing wrong. In fact I've done nothing at all," Kimiko said heatedly.

"That's right you did nothing," Rai snapped back. "Gave no indication, nothing for me to go on."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kimiko yelled back.

"I refuse to believe that you are that clueless," he accused.

"Clearly I am," Kimiko said sarcastically.

"How the hell do you think I felt?" he asked and before Kimiko could ask about what Raimundo rolled on. "First it was Josh, then Ryan, then Greg. How the hell did you think I felt about all of that?" His words were sinking like rocks in her stomach and Kimiko looked at him slightly bewildered.

"What are you talking about?"

"I liked you, from the moment we met I liked you," Rai spat out so harshly that it hurt. This was certainly not how she expected to feel when hearing words like that come out of his mouth. "But you gave me absolutely nothing to go on. I had absolutely no idea where I stood with you."

"How could you not know?" Kimiko interrupted loudly.

"I never knew," Rai insisted, "never for certain."

"And you decided now to ask?" Kimiko asked disbelievingly. "Two days before your wedding you finally start to try and figure this out?"

"I have to know," Raimundo told her.

"Know what!" Kimiko shouted back. "What is there to know? It seems pretty clear that we both know everything."

"I, God Damn it Kimiko!" Rai snapped at her. "You're not making this easy at all."

"Oh I'm sorry that I'm making your life difficult Raimundo. You said you had nothing to go on but clearly you must have some idea about how I felt about you if you're coming here now."

"I already said I didn't know for certain. I liked you when we met, and I thought you might like me too. But Josh saw you first and," he didn't finish.

"He saw me first?" Kimiko asked feeling indignant. "What are you prehistoric?"

"I didn't want to break up my friendship with Josh," Rai growled.

"Oh and I've noticed that you two have stayed so close," Kimiko said sarcastically. As far as she knew Raimundo and Josh hadn't spoke since freshman year. Raimundo didn't answer immediately so Kimiko went on. "And for the record, I never liked Greg or Ryan." Raimundo still didn't say anything so Kimiko sat back and stared moodily at the food on the table. "You hurt me, a lot," she told him though she wouldn't look up. "There were times when you would just, disappear. I didn't even know you were going out with Ashley and never mentioned that you were getting engaged. You said I was your best friend Rai. I rarely felt that way. It seemed like I was only your friend when it was convenient for you. The second you had a girl in your life, I was nonexistent."

"I'm sorry," Raimundo apologized.

"Why though?" Kimiko asked and looked at him. Rai turned his head and looked away. "You have your answers, right?" she said standing. "You should probably go."

"I haven't gotten all my answers," Raimundo suddenly moved towards her and Kimiko instinctively stepped back, smacking her leg on an end table. She winced, distracted for a moment and Raimundo was able to move closer. Kimiko took another step back and found herself back against a wall. Raimundo didn't move closer but Kimiko still felt claustrophobic.

"I don't know what you are looking for then," Kimiko said her voice sounding unbearably shaky in her ears.

"I just, I always wanted to know, you," he said very brokenly and Kimiko had no idea what he was trying to say. He moved again, closer and Kimiko tried hard to keep her breathing in check. He was leaning closer and for a heart wrenching second Kimiko thought he might kiss her. Much to her surprise she turned her face away from his, all she'd ever wanted was a chance like this and now she was turning away.

"You're engaged, you're getting married in two days," she told him. Her head snapped back when she felt his fingers on her neck. They trailed up slowly, leaving a fire in their wake. "You're engaged," Kimiko repeated as she looked in his eyes. She could see the struggle there. "You love her," Kimiko added and Raimundo nodded in agreement.

"I know that," he said moving back slightly, his fingers finally leaving her.

"Then what," Kimiko trailed off not moving an inch from the wall's support.

"What?" Rai repeated. "What I'm trying to figure out what you are." Kimiko didn't answer; she knew that was something Raimundo had to decide on his own. "I think I might love you," he finally told her and Kimiko was sure her knees would give out. God he was killing her, and she was about to kill herself when she spoke what she knew was the truth.

"But you _know_ you love her," Kimiko told him staring at the floor. "If you think you love me, but you know you love her, then there is no competition Rai." That was probably the last thing Kimiko imagined she was would save if she ever heard Raimundo said words even remotely close to 'love'.

"That's hardly fair to any of us," Rai said moving another step away. 'When has life ever been fair?' Kimiko wondered and finally moved away from the wall and fell back onto the couch, her legs no longer seemed to be able to support her.

"You're scared, and nervous, it's understandable," she said looking at the ceiling. "Don't forget you love her."

"Then I should forget about you?" Rai asked and Kimiko tried hard not to simply throw herself at him.

"If you have to," Kimiko conceded.

"I don't want to forget about you," Rai sank down next to her and despite her best efforts Kimiko watched him.

"Well I'm a friend right?" Kimiko asked, smiling weakly.

"Yes," Rai said with conviction. "You were my best friend."

"Then we should all be set," Kimiko swallowed hard and considered her next words. "You don't love me Rai, you think you might, but you don't." His anger surprised her.

"Don't tell me what I do and don't know Kimiko," he told her sternly and stood, pushing a hand through his hair.

"If you loved me Rai, the same way you love Ashley," Kimiko said feeling dejected that they were even having this conversation, "it would have happened. You wouldn't have let other guys liking me stop you." He didn't answer and Kimiko focused on the floor. "Be honest with yourself Raimundo, you might care for me but you don't love, at least not the way you love Ashley. If you did then something would have happened between. And believe me I wanted something to happen between us and every now and then I thought it might."

"You're awfully good at these philosophical answers," Rai laughed slightly and Kimiko cracked a small smile.

"It's what I do, I'm a writer," she said with a shrug and then looked at him. "Are you feeling any better?"

"More confused then ever," Rai sighed.

"Do you want to call the wedding off?" Kimiko asked and Raimundo paused.

"No."

"Then I don't see the problem," Kimiko said softly and went on before he had a chance to argue. "And don't worry about me being a regret," she added deciding that now was the time for brutal honesty. "A lot of people said I wasted three years pining after you. Even when I said I was over you a part of me wasn't and I don't want you to feel guilty, but a part of me will never get over you."

"Kimiko," was all Raimundo could manage out.

"You may have loved me at some point in time," Kimiko decided, "but that love clearly wasn't anything compared to how you feel about Ashley. If it was you wouldn't have propose. I know you better than that, you would not rush into something like that unless you had absolute certainty about it."

"You think?" Rai asked and Kimiko nodded.

"I know," she said as her heart seemed to break. She was giving up what was probably going to be her only chance with him but she knew that she couldn't ask him to choose her over Ashley, not now, not like this even though a part of her urged her to pull a line from 'Grey's Anatomy'. _Pick me, choose me, love me_

'So freaking easy on TV,' Kimiko thought bitterly looking back up at his face. She saw the conflict, emotions, and questions filtering through his mind, across his face, and in his eyes.

"Will you come?" he wanted to know. "To the wedding?"

"I was never actually invited," Kimiko said uncomfortably.

"Well I'm inviting you now," he said in a strong voice.

"Thanks, but I really can't," Kimiko told him. Telling him to go back to Ashley was one thing but watching the two get married was another thing entirely. Rai seemed to guess that and didn't press.

"I still don't know," he paused, "for certain, how I feel about you. But you're right, I know how I feel about Ashley."

"And that's the most important thing isn't it?" Kimiko asked and Raimundo nodded, their eyes locking and in the pit of her stomach Kimiko knew that she'd finally gotten her goodbye.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The day of the wedding found Kimiko doing everything and anything to keep her mind busy and her thoughts away from the New Jersey wedding happening only few hours' drive away. She had vision of pulling a scene from _The Graduate_ and laughed herself into tears over it. Corey was sympathetic and tried to keep her entertained but Kimiko couldn't keep her mind from wandering to Raimundo from time to time.

He'd stayed another hour before leaving again. They'd talked of old times and misunderstandings but never the possibilities. Never did 'what ifs' come up. No more questions, they were passed that. Kimiko had called a few friends from school later that night and finally got confirmation from one that Raimundo had called her for Kimiko's address and phone number. This friend informed Raimundo that Kimiko was at Keiko's and had saved Raimundo a plane ticket to Florida. Kimiko had been flabbergasted when she heard he almost flew to Florida. Her friend was curious as to what had happened but Kimik didn't let on and luckily the friend didn't press.

Pictures of the wedding were posted on the web just a day after the ceremony and Kimiko heard that everything had gone off with a hitch, no one mentioning Kimiko or having any idea about Raimundo's trip to her.

Ashley, Kimiko begrudgingly admitted, looked beautiful and Raimundo of course was handsome. It was heartbreaking and bittersweet as well as an end. Kimiko had been more than shocked at Raimundo's confessions to her and as much as she loved to hear the words come out of his mouth they came at the completely wrong time and under the wrong circumstances.

Maybe if they had had another year at school.

Or maybe if Ashley hadn't graduated early prompting the junior year engagement.

And so many other maybes and what ifs threatened to break out of where Kimiko had locked them away in her mind. It was too late for any of that now. Hindsight is 20/20 and those possibilities seemed endless.

After his impromptu visit Kimiko didn't hear from Raimundo. She was not surprised or hurt. It was the way things needed to be. She hadn't lied when she said that a part of her would never get over him and she hoped that a part of Raimundo would never get over her. She didn't send any ill will towards the new couple, jealousy sure; she was only human after all and maybe even a little longing but no ill will.

She didn't know if the story with her and Raimundo was over but at least a chapter had been closed. She didn't hold the regret any longer and it suddenly seemed as if the world had amazing possibilities. It would take a little time but maybe she would find someone that pushed the part of Raimundo still in her heart away, never gone, but maybe away.

The whole thing seemed like something you might find in a movie or a book and Kimiko's mind couldn't get it out of her head. This could be a story and maybe she ought to write it.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"_Its time to let you go_

_Its time to say goodbye_

_There's_ _no more excuses_

_No more tears to cry_

_There's_ _been so many changes_

_I was so confused_

_All along you were the one_

_All the time I never knew_

_I want you to be happy, you're my best friend_

_But its so hard to let you go now_

_All that could have been_

_I'll always have the memories_

_She'll always have you_

_Fate has a way of changing_

_Just when you don't want it to_

_Throw away the chains_

_Let love fly away_

_Till love comes again_

_I'll be okay_

_Life passes so quickly_

_You gotta take the time_

_Or you'll miss what really matters_

_You'll miss all the signs_

_I've spent my life searching for what was always there_

_Sometimes it will be too late, sometimes it won't be fair_

_Throw away the chains_

_Let love fly away_

_Till love comes again_

_I'll be okay_

_I won't give up, I won't give in_

_I can't recreate what just might have been_

_I know that my heart will find love again_

_Now is the time to begin_

_Throw away the chains_

_Let love fly away_

_Till love comes again_

_I'll be okay, I'll be okay_

_Can't hold for ever baby, can't hold on forever_

_I'll be ok…"_

_-Amanda Marshall_ '_I'll Be Okay'_


End file.
